The Nintendo Strikes Back Saga
by gabriel ricard
Summary: Here it is! the epic saga in which the hereos of the hit ff7 series will do battle with a fallen icon who will do ANYTHING to regain his former glory. Featuring more celebrities and blood then an episode of hollywood sqaures this is a must read for anyone
1. Captain Kirks never ending pursuit to ge...

The New Threat Emerges-An FF7 fan fic-written by Gabe Ricard

The Nintendo strikes back saga begins here!

Come on…you didn't think it was called FREE HOT XXX PORN CLICK HERE! Did you? Anyway here's the beginning of the first saga in the ff7 series. Starting at this point the fics will also be a tad smaller for reasons for too great for you simple humans to understand bwahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!

Also sorry this fic took so long to come up (A month) but with Final Fantasy IX and Lunar:EB to play it came down to two choices

  1. Write for the masses(all 4 of them)
  2. Play these games and forget how much I hate my life.

You people never stood a chance. Enjoy.

"Ahhhhhhhhh! Sea urchin! Sea urchin! There's a huge ass sea urchin on my-oh…never mind!" Cloud realizing it was only his hair slowly returned to his pillow. Aeris giggled and cuddled up to him going back to sleep.

"Now I remember why I don't come here very often," thought Stone Cold Steve Austin stopping at their door then continuing his way to the kitchen where everyone else was eating breakfast.

"Good morning Mr. Austin," smiled Shera.

"Morning," he replied sitting down next to Cait Sith.

"How much longer is you're free loading ass going to be here?" asked Cait Sith looking up from his eggs.

"Until I'm finished fixing your red-neck tea drinking friends brain!" snapped Stone Cold in reply. He sighed, "There's still a few…bugs to work out is all."

"Bugs?" asked Barret. At that moment the sound of a door flying open and crashing against the wall could be heard and a few moments later, Cid appeared in the kitchen doorway his eyes frantic and the left side of his face was twitching constantly.

"WAZZZZZZZZUPPPPPPP!!!"

"Uh-oh," mumbled Cait Sith.

"Morning Cid," smiled Shera trying to change the mood.

"Mornin ma!" grinned Cid slapping her back with good intentions but still hard enough to cause Shera to fall over in a heap.

"I think I liked Cid more when he was Christ," remarked Barret.

"WELLLLLLLLLLLLLL," began Cid in a much louder tone, "I'M OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD! THE WONDERFUL WIZARD OF OZZZZZ"

"Aren't you going to stop him?" asked Shera slowly pulling herself up.

"When I'm finished these eggs," replied Steve Austin. "They're the best damn eggs I've ever eaten."

"What's that Miss Aguilera?" asked Cid turning to Austin his tone also resuming a much more bearable degree. "There's a no clothes law here at Disney-Land? Well okayyyyyy I ain't no spring chicken but-" Cid's words where cut off as Steve Austin leapt up and drove a powerful sedative into Cid's neck putting him to sleep almost instantly.

"Well I guess there are some things more important than kick ass eggs."

"WAY more important," agreed Barret. "Well, I gotta go find Marlene and take her to that kids show thing in Wutai. Be back in a few hours and I'm takin da buggy." Barret shoved the last of his bacon into his mouth and stood up, turning and walking out of the kitchen.

"I gotta work on Cid some more," sighed Steve getting out of his chair and dragging Cid away with Shera in tow who had promised to help.

"What times Cloud gonna wake up?" asked Cait to Shera before she left.

Shera thought for a moment then shrugged her shoulders, "I dunno…it's his day off so he'll probably sleep in."

Cait sulked, "I've got no one to play DOA2 against."

Shera laughed and reached out and stroked his cheek mockingly, "Aw, poor Caity."

"Go away," snapped Cait Sith hopping away. Shera watched him storm off then laughed again and walked out of the kitchen to the lab where Stone Cold Steve Austin was working on Cid.

Gabe slowly sat up and yawned looking around his room then, looking at his clock and seeing to his surprise he had slept in a couple hours later than usual.

__

Must be this bed, he thought getting out and putting on some clothes. _It's really, really comfortable._ He cracked his neck back and forth a couple times then walked out of his room and into the small hallway. Feeling refreshed from a great nights sleep Gabe walk briskly down the hallway and soon came onto the bridge of the ship which was almost identical to _The Highwind._ Gabe looked around, Tifa was standing in the corner looking out the window, Bruce Willis was cleaning his gun, Vincent and Yuffie where not surprisingly furiously making out and Red XIII lay in the corner resting. 

"Good morning Gabe," smiled Tifa.

Gabe nodded, "Morning Tifa. Where are we?"

"No idea," she replied. "We got out of the area and now are in an area I'VE never seen before."

"Oh…" he turned to the pilot. "Do you have any clue where we are?"

The pilot who was flying the ship shook his head. "None what so ever. I put in on auto-pilot and left it that way before I went to sleep. This is what you wanted to do though right?"

"Yep…I do kinda wish we knew where we were tho but-" at that moment the room began flashing with red lights. 

"What the fuck is that?" asked Bruce Willis looking up from the uzi.

"That's the red alert device Cid put into the ship," replied the pilot. "It MEANS something BAD is going to HAPPEN."

Bruce glared, "Shut-up smart-ass."

"Isn't that a Klingon battle ship?" asked Red XIII who had risen to his feet and was looking out the window.

Gabe walked over to the window and turned pale, "it IS! But what the hell is it doing here! This isn't outer fucking space!" A second later a laser blast fired out of the Klingon ship and nearly hit them. Gabe turned to the pilot frantically, "Didn't that moron Cid put any weapons on this damn thing!"

"Uh…nope!"

"Figures," remarked Vincent who had finally taken a break from his lip wars with Yuffie.

"So what do we do now?" asked Tifa. Her question was swiftly answered by Bruce Willis.

"Holy shit! Is that…the _Enterprise?_!" 

"Really?" Gabe returned to the window and standing next to Bruce Willis peered out and indeed saw the _Enterprise _and drawing on his days as a Trekkie recognized it as the _Enterprise _that was used in the original TV series.

"Is this good or bad?" asked Tifa. Once again Tifa's question was answered without words as the _Enterprise _opened fire on the Klingon ship and destroyed it in moments.

"Well this is a hunch but I think it's good," replied Gabe watching the scattered pieces of the Klingon ship fall to earth.

"NOW what are we going to do?" questioned Bruce Willis. 

"Well if the show and movies are any indication then we are most likely going to be-" Gabe's words where cut off as a green light surrounded everyone on the bridge and a moment later everyone was standing in what Gabe recognized as Sick Bay."Transported to Sick Bay." A moment later Dr. Mcoy, Mr. Spock, Nurse Chapel and Captain Kirk emerged to greet them. Immediately, Mcoy and Chapel began to examine them while Captain Kirk extended his right hand to the group. Bruce Willis ended up being the one to shake his hand.

"Hello," greeted Kirk. "I..am…Captain…KIRK…of the Star…ship.._Enterprise _."

"I'm Bruce Willis this is Gabe, Tifa, Vincent, Yuffie and Red XIII."

"I…SEE…well…I…wel…come….you…to…my…SHIP."

"Why the hell do you talk like that?" asked Gabe who already felt annoyed.

"He is over dramatizing," explained Mr. Spock calmly.

Dr. Mcoy soon finished examining everyone and stood back satisfied with his results. "Well, everything seems to be in order here."

At the mention of that Nurse Chapel locked herself around Spock which didn't really surprise Gabe but what followed did.

"I found an empty closet I bet we could kill some real time in there huh?"

Spock raised an eyebrow and in perfect Vulcan tone replied, "I agree shall we?"

"Yes lets" Gabe watched in surprise as Spock scooped Chapel up and quickly walked out of Sick Bay. Gabe shook his head. Mcoy noticed this.

"Show the green blooded son of a bitch ONE porno movie and his human side takes over almost completely." Gabe gave no reply and only nodded.

"So what about our ship?" asked Bruce who was still speaking with Kirk.

"It…is being rePAIRED so…we…will…..be here…for..a..little while. Feel free to…explore the ship." At that remark everyone broke off and walked out of Sick Bay and headed down the hall to various sections of the ship.

Captain Kirk broke off his conversation with Bruce Willis and walked over to Tifa. "May…I…SEE YOU…in my quarters…if you please?" 

Tifa shrugged, "Sure." Captain Kirk seemed to let a small giggle of joy but repressed it and walked out of Sick Bay with Tifa behind him. She turned to Gabe who was standing next to Mcoy. "I'll be back in a minute and we'll explore this ship together okay?"

"Sure…just be sure to watch Kirk…you never know when he may-"

"Tifa…are you…coming?" Tifa turned to face Captain Kirk before Gabe could finish his warning.

"I'm coming," with that she walked off before Gabe could finish. 

Gabe shook his head and sighed, "She should be okay…yeah…I don't see why not." Gabe reassured himself again and walked out of Sick Bay.

"Where are you Vincent?" yelled Yuffie annoyed as she walked onto the bridge. She was feeling frustrated that she had looked away for only a minute and when she turned to talk to Vincent he was lost in the crowd in the hallway.

"Can I help you?" Yuffie looked to her left and saw Lt. Uhura.

"Yeah…have you seen a big evil looking guy with a metal arm?"

"Can't say that I have," replied Uhura.

Yuffie sighed disappointingly and looked around stopping on Mr. Sulu and Chekcov who where at the controls. "Wow!" she exclaimed running over to them and peering over Mr. Sulu's shoulder. "What's THIS button do?" before Mr. Sulu or Mr. Chekcov could say anything, Yuffie reached over and hit the button then looked up and watched as a photon torpedo slowly flew towards earth.

"Oh no! where did that thing go Sulu?" asked Chekcov.

Sulu looked down at the controls, "It hit a place called…Sussex County."

"Any survivors?"

"Umm…nope."

Yuffie shrugged, "Doesn't sound like a very important place to me." 

"Call security," said Mr. Sulu turning to Uhura. 

"Uh-oh…that's my cue to RUN!" Before the Security could show up Yuffie bolted out the door and ducked into the first room she came to.

"This guy's looking awfully nervous," thought Red XIII stopping at a man dressed in a red shirt with short brown hair. "What's wrong with you?"

"Ahhhh!!!" the man seemed to be pulled out of some kind of trance and his eyes began bolting in every direction before stopping at Red. "DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?!!" the man cried.

"No."

"WITH EVERY EPISODE…ONE OF US MUST DIE!! AND THIS TIME IT'LL BE ME!!! AHHHH IT'S MY TURN DON'T YOU GET IT!!! I GOTTA HIDE…GOTTA HIDE….GOTTA HIDE…GOTTA…HIDE." Red watched as the man turned to run but tripped over his own feet and fell to the ground, cracking his head open and dying within seconds. Red looked back then looked ahead and walked over the dead body continuing down the hall to find a place that served food.

Vincent stepped into the engine room of the _Enterprise _and looked around in awe, as it was one of the largest most complex looking rooms he had ever seen. He saw a man hunched over something and walked over to see who it was. He reached over and tapped the man on the shoulder. The man turned around, stared at Vincent and scowled, "You can tell that bastard Kirk that I'm givin her all I got and if he doesn't like that-"

"What are you talking about?" asked Vincent annoyed.

"Oh…sorry I thought Captain Kirk sent you," I'm Scotty.

"I'm Vincent, this is really impressive."

"Thanks laddie…just dun touch anything."

"Don't worry…I'm not ignorant or clumsy like all my other team mates" Vincent walked past Scotty to explore the ship further and wasn't paying attention. As a result, Vincent tripped over a bar and drove his shoulder into a switch marked _Self Destruct_ pushing it down.

"Oh no!" cried Scotty pulling out a communicator as a read light and siren like sound began blaring all around them. "Security! There's a guy down here trying to destroy me ship! Aye a hundred men should do this guy looks dangerous." Vincent sighed and ran out of the engine room to avoid the guards.

" I think this is Captain Kirk's room," thought Gabe once again drawing on his knowledge from his days as a trekkie and opening the door and stepping in.

"Get the fuck away from me…now!!" screamed Tifa ducking under an advancing Kirk but cornering herself in the process. "Why are you doing this?

"Because…I…haven't…had..a woman in…ten minutes," replied Kirk who was now mere inches away from grabbing Tifa.

"Then why are you armed?" she asked.

"I…seem…to improve…my…chances…with this,"

Gabe watched the scene before him and reacted instantly leaping over to Kirk and kicking him into the wall then pulling out a ninja sword and driving it into Kirk's chest pinning him against the wall. Gabe who was breathing heavily turned to face Tifa. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah…" she looked up and stared at Gabes face. A silence filled the room between them both before a siren like sound and flashing red lights appeared.

"Great," said Tifa looking away from Gabe. "God knows what Yuffie or the others did now." The two ran past Kirk's dead body and stopped in the hallway where they where met by Bruce Willis and the others who had all met up.

"We need to get off this ship now," said Bruce Willis. "Before-" his sentence was abruptly ended as a laser blast shot an inch past his head. Everyone looked to their left and saw what had to about five hundred security guards charging through the hall after them. 

"Wasn't my fault!" cried Yuffie ducking a laser blast as they ran into the transporter room.

"Sure it wasn't," replied Gabe punching in the code to send them back to their ship then jumping on the transporter with everyone else and disappearing just as the security guards burst into the room.

"Get us out of here you fucking moron!" snapped Bruce to the pilot as they ran onto the bridge of their ship.

"Sure…lucky too cause those repair guys just finished up and-"

"NOW god damn it!" cried everyone.

The pilot glared and turned to the steering wheel. "Okay, okay…damn" a moment later _The 7th Heaven_ blasted away from The _Enterprise _which exploded in a tremendous ball of fire.

****

Elsewhere…

Dr. _Wiley_ (authors note: I have no idea what so ever how to spell this guys name so feel free to correct me) stepped into the massive office and took a deep breath before walking to an equally massive desk and stopping. The man behind it was hidden in the shadows that darkened everything behind the desk.

"So what's the final report?" came a voice with a thick Italian accent.

"The army is ready…if we are going to attack, now is the time." Dr. _Wiley_ sighed. "Are you sure you want to do this? With the _Game Cube_ on its way we should have no difficulty at all in retaking our spot in the Video Game world.

"No!" replied the voice sharply emerging from the shadows to reveal Mario. "If we do not wipe out Sony now…we will only end up back where we started from."

"If you say so…in any event we'll leave when you're ready."

Mario was about to reply but was interrupted as a man ran into the room breathing heavily. Mario scowled at being interrupted. "This had better be good."

"Down at the security tower we picked up a ship on the radar. It's a ship that's almost identical to the one from _Final Fantasy 7_!

A hideous smile broke out on Mario's face. "Well…that's different…shoot it down, send some of our best men and take them out then, bring them here."

"Yes sir!" with that, the man ran out just as quickly as he had came.

"Well, this is a good bit of fortune…considering _Final Fantasy 7_ was our first target. Not counting our attack on..on..who where they again?"

"The cast of Xenogears," replied Mario. "This IS a good bit of good luck. Go and tell them to delay our departure by a couple days." 

"Of course sir," Dr.Wiley walked out of the room briskly leaving Mario to himself. Mario leaned back in his chair and spun around facing the window that over saw the entire part of the world that was controlled by _Nintendo_. It wasn't as much as it had been in the 80's and early 90's but, it was impressive none the less. It wasn't enough for Mario though. He knew that it had taken them over five years to get to a point where they would be able to launch an all out attack. He planned to take out Sony a piece at a time and had decided quite some time ago that he would start with the game that had played a large part in _Nintendo's _fall from grace, _Final Fantasy 7. _To this day Mario had secretly regretted his poor treatment to _Square Soft_ but it didn't matter at this point anymore. Nothing did really accept the matters at hand. Mario threw back his head and let out a long, wicked laugh that rang through the large office. Soon…very soon Nintendo would return to the days of its former glory. The only difference this time would be that they would stay their forever. 

End.

Well what did ya think? This is the beginning of the _Nintendo Strikes Back_ saga which will run through the next tweleve or so FF7 fics and when it's done will have changed a great number of things in the FF7 world. Thanks for reading and while you're here go check out my new Twilight Zone fan fic _The Warmth Machine._ Thanks for reading and as always I welcome any comments and suggestions to improve my writing.


	2. Attack! Capture! Ahhh!

Final Fantasy 7-#12

"Attack! Capture! Ahhh!"

Part two in the _Nintendo Strikes Back _saga

Written by Gabe Ricard

With editing and rewriting assistance by Lotuss Tears

Well…the moment is at hand. The moment when I'm about to break the last rule in fan fiction I haven't broken yet. I'll explain myself a bit more once the fic is done with so until then sit back, keep your tolerance level as high as it shall allow and try to enjoy.

"Ha! I am the prince of all Saiya-Jins!" 

Barret scowled, "Shut up! I would SO woop yo sorry ass if weren't for my damn gun arm of mine."

Cait Sith grinned and laid down his controller, "Barret…you've been making that excuse for the last three years. Just admit that I am the king of fighting games."

"Never!" roared Barret scaring his young daughter Marlene so badly she almost fainted. "Let's have another game!"

"MORTAL! HAVE YOU SEEN THE ONE KNOWN AS AERIS?"

Barret recognized the voice of Cid and was about to turn and explain that Aeris was paying one of her "congical visits" to Cloud while he was at work but when he did turn around he screamed at what was before him. Cid was dressed in a black bathrobe and his face was painted white. "I AM THE MIGHTY GOD OF MIDDLE EARTH LORD BABBA FLABBA JABBAWOKIE THE FITH!!! BOW BEFORE ME PUNY MORTALS!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Cait was close to being speechless but was able to mutter, "Oh…my god."

"NOW!" boomed Cid, "I WILL GIVE YOU A TASTE OF THE MAGIC OF LORD BABBA FLABBA JABBA WOKIE THE FITH!" Cid jumped back and with dramatic flair, pulled out a lighter and flicked it on. At this point everyone in the room was now completely speechless.

"NEXT I WILL DISPLAY THE AWESOME POWER OF MY CO-" Cid's next "magic trick" was cut short in that sentence as Stone Cold Steve Austin appeared behind him and drove a sedative into his neck. Shera came in a second later and dragged Cid away by his foot. Austin thanked her and turned to face the group. "Sorry bout that…he escaped again and I've been spending the whole damn day searching for this crazy son of a bitch."

"Haven't you cured him _yet_?" asked Cait Sith. "After this and yesterday nights Barry Manilow impression, I don't think I can take much more of this!"

Austin nodded and reached for a beer in the mini fridge next to him, "Just one more session and the old bastard'll back to drinkin tea and watching Dukes before ya know it!" He was about to leave when he stopped and listened to the video game then made a complete turn and walked over to Cait Sith and punted him away from the controller much like a football. "I'm playin you Barret," he looked into his eyes and gave him his trademark scowl, "Got a problem with that?"

"Nope,"

Austin finished off his beer and threw it in Cait Sith's direction. "How about you Cait? Got a problem with me takin over the game?"

"Your damn right I do you bald bit-" Cait suddenly realized who he was talking to and stomped away muttering incoherently to himself.

"What about Cid?" queried Barret.

"He can wait," snapped Austin looking over to Marlene, "Hey kid go get me another beer." Marlene nodded, slid off the couch, and ran to the mini fridge returning in seconds with Austin's 11th beer of the day. Without hesitation, Austin chose a character and began a furious DOA2 battle with Barret.

**__**

Meanwhile…on the deck of the 7th Heaven…

"Ship's running pretty good isn't it?"

"Huh?" Gabe turned around to see Tifa walking up beside him, brushing back the strand of hair that blew in her face. "Oh hi Tifa…yeah it is working really good. Hard to believe that Cid made something that actually worked well."

"Yeah…not sure why he didn't chose to include weapons but oh well," she shrugged her shoulders. "You can't have everything."

"True enough," replied Gabe who thought he was crazy but could swear Tifa was casually moving closer and closer to him. He was silent for a moment as was Tifa, "I'm sorry…you didn't get Cloud."

"That's okay…I guess it's been time for me to find someone else for a long time." Once again, Gabe noticed Tifa moving half a step closer to him.

"Well, I know a good way to decide when you start looking."

"Oh?"

"Yeah…use me as an extreme for what you're NOT looking for. If you do that that it'll take absolutely no time at all."

"But, what if your what I'm looking for?"

Gabe's heart jumped into his throat but managed to ask why.

"Well…you remember what I said about you in Hawaii?"

"Yeah…"

"I meant it…I couldn't go through with my plan to sleep with you to make Cloud jealous because I liked you…a lot and couldn't bring myself to it."

The two where now both moving closer to one another at a snails pace. "Well…guess now you don't have Cloud to use an excuse for not doing anything about it. Think you can manage?"

Tifa closed her eyes, "I'll manage…" she whispered just as her lips where about to meet Gabes.

Mere inches before the kiss occurred, what felt like an earthquake of some sort that sent them both flying to the other side of the ship and crashing into the floor. Gabe helped Tifa up and looked across to see a ship larger and more sophisticated looking than their own making it's way towards them. Gabe read the sign on the left side of the ship and gulped; "It's Nintendo!"

"Let's get back inside!" exclaimed Tifa grabbing Gabe's arm and pulling him back into the ship. Just as another laser blast sent the two crashing to the floor once again. Tifa yanked Gabe to his feet and the two ran down the narrow hallway and came into the bridge a moment later where the rest of the group could be found.

"What the fuck is going on?!" demanded Bruce Willis to Gabe.

"It's a ship with the Nintendo logo on the side…I have no idea what so ever why they would be attacking us though."

"PERHAPS," yelled the pilot turning to Gabe and Bruce Willis, "Something BAD will HAPPEN!"

Bruce Willis's left eyebrow twitched and he reached over and shot the pilot. "That's the last time he's gonna do that."

"Good shot," observed Red XIII looking down at the body of the pilot.

"Wonderful…" muttered Vincent handing Yuffie her bra and shirt, "Now we have no pilot to fly the ship,"

"Oh quit whining," snapped Tifa shoving the body aside with her left foot and taking the controls, "I'll fly this ship…no problem at all."

**__**

One minute and thirty seconds later…

"What was that again?" asked Vincent with heavy sarcasm in his tone standing amongst the wreckage of the ship with Tifa and the others. "No problem at all was it Tifa?"

Tifa scowled, folded her arms, and reached her hand up to brush away a strand of the hair that the wind seemed to want to tear off her head. "Shut the hell up you gothic idgit."

"Idgit?" asked Red XIII looking up, "I'm not sure if that's a word."

"Perhaps we should FOCUS on the huge death ship with the words _Nintendo_ on it, that's about to land right in front of us?" suggested Bruce.

"I agree," said Gabe.

A second later the ship touched down on the ground and lay still, soon a door on the right side slowly fell to the ground and doubled as a ramp. Gabe saw emerging from the ramp was Megaman X, Simon Belmont, King Slender, Pikachu, Donkey Kong, Goemon, and the Lee Brothers.

"This is kinda scary…" observed Red XIII.

"I know," agreed Yuffie. "That guy in wrestling tights looks like Cid with long hair!"

"Another inane observation from Yuffie," sighed Tifa. 

"What's that the third today?"

"Fourth."

"Looks like Mario was right…the FF7 heroes came to us," King Slender threw back a strand of his long, blond hair. 

"Tis not all of them," observed Simon Belmont giving his whip a light crack against the grass. "And there be two of which we where not told."

"Don't matter," replied Billy Lee throwing a combination of punches in the air. "We're gonna take these jokers down in five minutes."

"Probably less," snickered Jimmy Lee.

"Then…LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH!" Megaman X cried in overdramatic Anime fashion, leaping in the air and unleashing a barrage of ice blasts mixed in with fireballs. Bruce Willis saw that most of them where coming at him and rolled out of the way, pulling two Uzi's out of nowhere and firing on X who simply stood and allowed the bullets to hit him doing little damage. Bruce tossed the Uzi's aside and reached to pull out a 45 but X blasted him into a tree and Bruce did not get up.

"Hey has anyone ever told you…you're breasts _really_ jiggle when you fight?" said Billy throwing a kick at Tifa who ducked and threw a roundhouse kick of her own which Jimmy intervened on.

"I know!" exclaimed Jimmy agreeing with his brother. "They're…purdy."

"You probably won't like this much then," remarked Tifa ducking a wild punch from Jimmy and driving her elbow into Billy's throat who had been in the middle of going for the attack. Tifa gave him an uppercut that turned his neck and jaw into a pile of mushed bones. Tifa then jumped back from another kick from Jimmy and in one swift motion, kicked him in the testicles with such force his throat suddenly grew two lumps in the center, choking Jimmy who fell to the ground and stopped moving. Tifa was in the middle of her victory dance when she felt a leather whip tighten around her throat and pull her back. The whip slithered off her slim neck and she turned around, jumping to her feet but all she saw was the face of Simon Belmont moments before he threw a blackish powder into her face and watched as Tifa hacked out a single weak cough and fell onto her back. 

"Tifa!" Gabe threw King Slender's severed head aside and tried to run over to her and stopped when several thousand volts of electricity pounded through his body and when it was done. Pikachu was hopping on top of Gabe's head.

Vincent saw Donkey Kong give Yuffie one final double kick which sent her falling and knew he had to go for broke. He threw his shotgun aside lifted his cape up and in a flash of purple smoke turned into Hellmasker and stalking over to Donkey Kong. His progress was halted when he was jumped by Goemon who began punching at Vincent and screaming what may have been death threats in incoherent Japanese. Vincent was silent for a moment and stared down at Goemon. After a moment he reached over with the arm that was not gripping a chain saw and clutched Goemon's head crushing it like a melon and throwing the body aside then continuing towards Donkey Kong. Vincent raised his chain saw and tried to bring it down on DK but to his frustration, Kong leaped over him and drop kicked him when he touch down. Vincent reached over to grab the chain saw but noticed a shadow descending on his face and looked up quickly enough to see the monstrous, hairy ass of Donkey Kong crush his face. Vincent then heard the sound of someone passing gas and lost consciousness and reverted back to Vincent form. 

"Oh god…" muttered Red XIII leaping forward over and over again to avoid the machine gun fire from Megaman X. "I'm the only one left… but I can do this…I can do this…I can-urk!" Red XIII stopped leaping when Simon Belmont wrapped his spiked; leather whip around his throat lifted him several feet in the air. Before Red could hit the ground Megaman X blasted him at the same time Pikachu did and finally Simon returned Red XIII's unmoving form to the earth below.

"They got some of us…" sighed Megaman X. throwing Tifa and Yuffie over his shoulder and starting back to the Nintendo ship with the others who where all holding one or more of the heroes.

"Ah well…They didn't kill anyone we'll need for Gamecube correct?" replied Simon.

"Not really. I guess we could have used to Lee Brothers at some point. Then again, the company was tired of paying their drunk driving and strip club tabs."

The survivors of the Nintendo ship came to the open entrance of their ship and stopped, "So no one important?"

"Nah," Simon smirked and made his way ahead of the others.

**__**

At Nintendo Towers several hours later…

__

Tifa opened an eye and felt himself moving. It felt as if she was being moved against her will. Finally Tifa opened both of her eyes and glanced around, realizing that she was being dragged along a lengthy corridor by two men dressed as ninja's. Ahead of her, Red XIII who was awake was being marched along and Yuffie who was also awake and had leg cuffs and a gag to match her handcuffs. Tifa looked back and saw that everyone else just had the handcuffs She felt a blunt object meet the back of his head and was ordered to stand up and walk along. Tifa scowled but did as she was told despite the throbbing pains that seemed to come from the temples of her head and the base of her neck which wore a thick bruise in the center of it. Looking like a demented bulls eye. 

Eventually they came to a large metal door with a small computer built into the wall to the right of the door. It was the kind of door that would intimidate anyone who didn't know what to expect beyond its doors.

One of the ninja's turned to his buddy who was standing next to him; "You want me to see if the boss is ready to see them?"

The other ninja shook his head; "May as well juts go in…he did order us to bring them up."

"True enough…I still hate the way we have to go through that evil ass secretary of his though."

"Yeah…AND walk through this half-mile hallway."

"It's a fucking crime," grumbled the first ninja handing Yuffie to another ninja and walking over to the computer, pulling out a card, typing in a combination of numbers then sliding the card into the slot next to the keyboard and standing back. Within seconds the doors opened and remained that way until everyone had gone in.

"Ack! What're you all doing here?!"

The ninja standing at the head of the group eyed Mario quizzically, "You called us up here…remember?"

"Oh yeah…ahem…bring them…forward." The ninja nodded and stood back, barking out the order to line up the heroes in front of Mario. Gabe looked at Mario who didn't look much different then he was pictured in the video games.

Mario leaned back in his chair and smiled, "This is quite the stroke of-ugh…" Mario paused to grimace. "Luck. Most of the FF7 stars before us without having to leave our part of the country. It's a s-shame that the rest of you couldn't be here."

"What the hell do you want with us?" asked Vincent.

"I've simply decided to chose the cast of _Final Fantasy 7_ as the first thing to extract revenge on en route to our regaining the top spot in the video game industry. You where the first to cause our downfall and now you will be the first to cause our-ahhh!….rebirth. I have spent the last four years preparing for this. And spent millions to get every star that Nintendo lost from Mega Man to the cast of Street Fighter 2 and it will all be worth it."  


"Are you on crack?!" asked Bruce Willis. "Nintendo has been getting its ass kicked because with about 15 notable exceptions the N64 sucked!"

Mario shrugged, "Oh well…doesn't matter now. Get them out of here. I want to witness their execution later. Before we leave."

"Yes boss" the Ninja nodded and with the other ninja's dragged the heroes from the room.

Mario waited until he was sure they where gone then looked under his desk and frowned, "Here's a tip PRINCESS…when other people have entered the room…you can let go and wait until it's safe for me to moan again!"

Princess Peach emerged from under the desk and looked ready to give Mario a solid kick in the place she had just been reacquainting herself with, "Screw you! You fat, bald, ass clown! I've been married to you for 15 years and I'll be damned if I'm going to let you treat me like a three cent slut!"

Mario shrugged his large shoulders and leaned back in his chair putting his hands behind his head, "Hey, I don't treat you like a three cent slut…you do that all by yourself."

Princess's left eye began to bulge out, "I SWEAR to GOD…if things don't improve I will divorce your sorry ass so fast it'll make your fucking head spin!"

"Right…you remember our lawyers right? Those really good ones Howard got before his unfortunate accident at the bull fighting ranch."

"Y-yeah."

"Well if you file for divorce…by the time those lawyers get through with you, YOU'LL be serving a life sentence. So all in all…I don't see divorce as being all that wise. Normally I wouldn't care. Hell, I've got the money. But with the invasion in a mere few hours I don't need to concern myself with unimportant things." Feeling pleased with himself, Mario moved from his original position of leaning back to leaning forward and folding his hands on his 750,000 desk.

Princess's lower lip began to quiver and tears began to swell up in her pretty blue eyes, "Y-you don't even use your Italian accent anymore…the one that made me fall in love with you in the first place."

"I like to save it for promotional things and whenever I feel like letting you ride me…so anything else to bitch about before I get ready to go? I also have an execution to attend tomorrow morning you know."

Princess didn't say another word. She spun around in a fashion that suggested she would have the last laugh someday and stormed out, holding up her long pink dress so as not to fall on her way out.

Mario watched her go then got up and walked over to his bar so he could pour himself a scotch. He filled up the small glass up to the top without bothering to add ice and drank down most of it in a single gulp. He took a deep breath then threw the glass in the air and long before it returned to the ground, Mario lifted up a finger and reduced the glass to fine ashes with a small fireball. He shook his head and moved to return to his desk, "Women…."

**__**

In a cell block several stories below Mario's office…

Gabe knew that one of them had to escape and made up his mind it may as well be him, he reached into the hidden pocket of his leather jacket and began pulling out numerous, useless trinkets. He was beginning to grow frustrated before pulling out a pack of gum and after staring at it for a long moment, realized that it was the so called "exploding gum" he had bought in Hawaii a few months ago. He had no idea how it works even though there was only one piece left. The reason being he had given some to Yuffie as a gag and loaned some to Cid to use on Barret and in turn giving some to Barret to use on Cid. "Well…now looks a better time than ever to try this stuff…" Gabe stood up and pulled out a stick of gum, removing the five layers of wrapping and placing it in his mouth, chewing it for a few seconds. After a few seconds of this, Gabe took the gum and wrapped it up in the packaging threw it towards the door and stood back expecting very little from this.

However, to his shock the gum created an explosion large enough to blow the door away. Gabe ran over and stuck his head out the window seeing two men resembling the cronies from the original _Double Dragon_ coming at him. Gabe pulled small hatchet out of his jacket and ducking under both of them driving the hatchet into the forehead of one and kicking the other back as he did. In one swift movement of the hands, he pulled the hatchet out and drove it into the throat of the second as he was getting up. Gabe fell against the wall and looked to his left and right, to his relief it appeared like no one was coming but he knew his time was short. He searched both of the men he had just taken out and to his anger found nothing that even resembled a key. He walked over to one of the doors his cell had been right next to and knocked on softly, hoping whoever was in there would hear him.

"Who's there?" asked a familiar, voice in an unfamiliar loud tone.

"It's me Red…Gabe."

"Gabe? You gotta get me out of here! They're torturing me beyond description!"

"What are they doing?"

"They put me in here…with Yuffie!"  


"Those…bastards! Well don't worry…I'm gonna look around for a way to get us out of here so stay calm and don't kill Yuffie…god knows what your cell will smell like if you do."

"Good point…but hurry man! I don't know how much longer I can keep this up!"

"Don't worry," Gabe moved away from the cell and looked down hall to his right and then ran over to the wall and looked beyond it deciding to go this way. He took a deep breath and tried in vain to overcome the intense feeling of anxiousness that was making it nearly impossible to walk and think on the plan of consciousness he needed to be at. 

With his heart pounding, Gabe began to walk down the hallway, drawing on his knowledge of ninja movies to walk with ninja like stealth or as best he could manage. He had made it about half way down the hall when he heard what sounded like an evil cackle, but sounded too feminine. Gabe turned around and saw that it was Link standing a few feet in front of his, holding his sword in his left hand, and "Trying to escape huh Mario wouldn't like that."

"Does Mario also like having to listen to that girlish laugh all the time?"

Link's eyes bulged out and his face took on a shade of red, "Hey! At least I'm not dressed like I'm going to reenact Columbine!"

It was now Gabe's turn for his eyes to bulge out and to turn red, "Why don't you say it to my face!"

"I am you dumb ass!"

Gabe was about to retort but stopped, "Well…yeah…I know! I…just meant…to say it closer to my face so I can punch you in the jaw when you say it!"

Link rolled his eyes, "Right."  


"Come on Fairy-Boy! I'll knock your fucking teeth in!"

"We'll see about that!" cried Link charging at Gabe who knew it would be hard to dodge Link since there was little space in the hallway. Gabe ducked under Link's first attack and kicked him in the back of the head and reached over to grab Link in a combo of sorts. Before he could however, Link came back around before Gabe could, grabbed the back of his head, and drove his sword into his face. "Damn…that was almost too easy," he mused. Why couldn't he ever prove himself against opponents that where actually a challenge? The though burned in his mind as he pulled the sword out of Gabe's face, then threw a phoenix down on him that dated back to 1994 and was about to drag him away but was stopped by a ninja. 

"This the one that escaped?"

Link couldn't get over how stupid these ninja's where. He still wondered, usually after a few drinks at the Nintendo cocktail lounge, why Mario had hired all these morons. "No…I took him out of his cage…let him go, chased him down the hall, caught him, killed him, brought him back to life and now, I'm going to take him back to his cell."

"Good! You know…you Nintendo guys aren't nearly as washed up as us boys say when we're drinking."

"I'm glad to know I have your love and support," replied Link trying really hard not to roll his eyes.

"Love? Ewww man I ain't no fag!"

"Of course not…" Link sighed loudly, "I'm taking him back now."

"Wait, I was sent here to tell you that this guy is to be taken to one of the new cells we just put in."  


"The ones with the electric walls?'

"Duh! NOW who's the stupid one?"

At that moment, Link's tolerance of the ignorant, barely aware pond scum ninja's that where his co-workers turned to a need for some kind of retribution for months of headaches at the hands of these ninja's. With his right hand still clutching the back of Gabe's shirt, Link pulled out his sword and drove it into the chest of the ninja. For added retribution, Link sent a fireball through the sword. As Link stood giving a moment to savor the feeling, Ryu from _Ninja Gaiden_ came into the hallway from the room to the left. "Hey, Link what happened here?"

"Oh man! It was fucking terrible! This guy escaped, got a hold of my sword, and killed this ninja! The poor kid…his sacrifice in the name of our company will never be forgotten."

"Right…let's take this guy to jail so we can head down the 90th floor strip club. Samsus is dancing tonight!"

"Kick ass."

**__**

Back at the Mayor's Mansion…

"Wow Barret…you look beat!" exclaimed Cait Sith.

"I know…I was in Corel City all day…interviewing for a job."  


"What job?"

"I'll tell ya later…I need to go have a shower."

"Wait! Don't use that showe-"

"Cait…I don't even wanna hear it," Barret walked to the door, opened it and stepped in. A moment later, he let out a long girlish scream and ran out. A moment later, Aeris and Cloud stumbled out trying to wrap towels around her body, though it was partially unnecessary for Aeris since she was wearing what looked like a cheerleaders outfit.

Cait watched all the chaos going on around him and leaned back in his moggle wondering how Tifa and the others where doing.

End.

Okay… Thanks for reading and please give me your honest opinions in this I mean the impending Tifa/Gabe realtionship which I have been building to since issue five. Thanks to one of FF.NET's top writers Lotuss Tears for editing and help with rewriting. I have a ton of stuff in the wings so keep your eyes open and one more thing, this and all other sagas to come in my FF7 series will be published under one story for each saga. Therefore all stories in this saga will be published under the same story to comply with FF.NET's chaptering. Thanks for reading and be sure to review. 


	3. Escape from the land of the fat plumber....

Final Fantasy 7-#13-Escape from the land of the fat plumber

Final Fantasy 7-#13-Escape from the land of the fat plumber

Part three in the Nintendo Strikes Back Saga

Written by Gabe Ricard

With editing and rewriting assistance by Lotuss Tears 

Disclaimer: With the exception of Gabe and the ship 7th Heaven…nothing in this belongs to me so don't sue.

Since this is a 12 issue saga, I decided to step it up a little in writing my ff7 fan fics and knock off a couple parts before moving on to my upcoming _Shawshank Redemption_ and my new _Tenchi Muyo!_ Fan fic. So no real announcements here so sit back and enjoy.

"Son…of a bitch," Gabe muttered to himself for the 11th time. He was feeling angry and frustrated (and after trying to escape again, a little stupid) as he stared at the door to his new cell. To anyone who would see it from afar it would appear as if someone forgot to add a door to the cell. Gabe knew better after trying to walk through and finding out there was an invisible electric barrier where the door should be, giving a rather cruel jolt of pain for anyone who tried to walk through. Gabe knew either one of the other guys or himself would have to escape and get word to Cloud. At that point however, that was a rather unlikely possibility. 

He stood up but with the pain in his forehead it really wasn't the best course of action. He walked over to the door and in a single moment of incredible absurdity, raised his hands upward like a demented magician and cried out, "Electric shield be gone!" then stood back and to his shock, heard a distinct, close by sound of something shorting out. With extreme caution, Gabe moved his right hand towards the open doorway and instead of the sharp pain of an electrical jolt, Gabe felt only air. "Oh my god…I-"

"Gabe!" came the sharp, sudden tone of Vincent; "You didn't get the electric shield to disappear by screaming at it! Now hurry the hell up and get out here!" Gabe stepped out of the cell and saw Vincent, Bruce Willis, Tifa, and the others. 

"How'd you guys get out?" asked Gabe.

"I think you betta ask me that," came an Italian accent that sounded like Mario's but not as deep. After a moment, Luigi stepped from out of the shadows and stood next to Bruce Willis.

"You?! You're Mario's brother! Why the hell would you help us?"

"I know what Mario is doing is wrong…he's been losing for so long that he came to a point where he decided that THIS was the only way he'd get salvation…rather then simply focus on making decent games. He must be stopped…at all costs, even if it's my own life." Luigi reached into his suspenders and pulled out a card, handing it to Tifa, "This will get you into any part of the building you want. If you can't defeat Mario here then get out of here and do what ya gotta do. I know for a fact that on tha 18th floor is your ship which was recovered and rebuilt. I wish I could do more but-"

"You could kill Mario for us," suggested Yuffie.

Luigi scowled at her, "But I can't. Evil or not I can't and won't kill my own brother. I am still trying to destroy this from the inside and besides, I don't think I have much time anyway."

Yuffie put on her pouty face and turned to Vincent, "It was a good idea wasn't it Vinny?"

Vincent leaned down and kissed her head, "Of course it was Yuffie-bear."

"Can we leave them here?" asked Red making a disgusted face.

"Sadly no…" replied Gabe.

Vincent looked down at Red, "What? All I did was kiss her head."

"I know…it's just that every time I see someone being affectionate to Yuffie it makes my stomach hurt."

"Perhaps you're in love with her and don't even know it." Suggested Vincent.

"Vincent, I swear to god I'm going to tear your fucking face o-"

"Perhaps we should consider getting out of here?" asked Gabe stepping in between the three. No one said anything but looked away.

Tifa shook her head then turned back to Luigi, "Thank you…we wont forget this."  


"Sure…can I ask ya a favor before ya go?"

"Of course."

"Think I could get some head? Seeing how I may not live out the day and everything."

Tifa was a little surprised to hear this from the man who had just saved their lives. Having been asked this at least twice a day at the bar she normally would have kicked some pervert ass. She then decided that under the circumstances she would handle this with a little more class, "Sorry…but I can give you the name and number of a girl that would be willing to do it…for free even."

"Really? Who?"

"Aeris Gainsborough…numbers 834 224-"

"Tifa let's go!" 

She sighed. This would have been a great way to pay Aeris back for "accidentally" taping over the episode of _Walker: Texas Ranger_ she had recorded the previous night. "Sorry," she apologized to Luigi before turning and running down the hall with the rest.

**__**

Meanwhile… 

"Well, well…it would appear that we have a traitor in our midst," commented Link watching the TV monitors with Mario.

"I've known about him for several months," replied Mario. 

"You have? Really? Why haven't you done anything? He could have destroyed everything we-er you have been working on!"

"Luigi? You must be joking. Luigi foolishly went to Donkey Kong for help when he should have known he wouldn't betray me. Luigi has been able to do very little since he knew he was being watched most of the time." Mario coughed into his glove and cleared his throat. His mouth felt dry and he could really use a drink.

"So what do you want us to do?" asked Link.

"I suppose I can no longer ignore my dear brother so bring him to me. As for the others…do not let them leave this building alive."

"No problem…by the way you look a little angrier then usual. What's wrong?"

"Did you see the Oscars last night?" asked Mario. Glad that someone finally asked him.

"No…heard Steve Martin did a bang-up job presenting though."

"He did…the whole show wasn't too bad really…except one thing. One thing that brought the entire show down and never let it recover."

"What?"

"Julia Roberts…won best actress."

Link's jaw dropped, "Dear god no…"

"I agree…it was horrible. A fool could see that Julia Roberts is a horribly untalented three dollar slut." Mario, for a moment appeared to be lost in a shock that hadn't worn off since the show last night. Finally, he shook his head to pull himself out of it and returned to his stern, angry Italian glare. A glare he regretted never being able to use in his games. "Go get Luigi."

"Sure thing," Link turned and ran out of the office.

**__**

Back to the heroes…

"Wow…this place is huge," commented Bruce.

Red XIII, who was pacing beside Bruce and was behind Tifa, Vincent, and Yuffie, nodded. "I agree…it's even larger then the Tower of Nightmares (see: The Tower Of Really Bad Stuff).

"That sounds about right," said Gabe who was walking behind everyone else and looking around in all directions.

"Does anyone have any clue what so ever as to where we are and perhaps, where we should go?" Asked Vincent holding Yuffie's hand the way a boyfriend would if he was walking though someone's property after dark and the girl he was with got scared.

"No," replied everyone in unison.

"Great," replied Vincent.

"Grand."

"Wonderful."

Vincent scowled at Gabe and Red XIII, "This is NOT a Chris Farley movie!"

"It's not?" asked Gabe feigning shock, as if there was such a possibility. The group soon came to a dead end with a door in front of them, to their right and to their left.

"Which way should we go?" asked Tifa.

"How about right?" suggested Yuffie who wanted to be helpful.

"Let's go left then," said Gabe taking the key card from Tifa, reaching out and sliding it into the slot next to the door handle and opening the door.

"I have a feeling my opinion doesn't matter," remarked Yuffie walking in.

"You JUST realized that," said Bruce walking though the door ahead of her.

"Bruce," began Vincent. "I admire your movies and all but you insult my girlfriend one more time and I'm gonna have to take you down."  


Bruce stopped in the doorway, turned around, and gave Vincent his trademark glare, "Really?"

Vincent lost his nerve after a good minute and looked away, "Nope…I was just kidding. Pretty stupid joke huh?"

"Horrible," replied Bruce off handily finally walking through the door.

"Funny how Vincent only reacts when celebrities make fun of Yuffie," observed Tifa as they surveyed the new room that they had entered. It was pretty much like the hallway, endless and very modern. Only this time the walls where packed with a variety of weapons that seemed to stretch on for miles.

"Not true," countered Gabe. "He shot me in the leg once for something Yuffie related." Gabe looked down at his leg which still had a brace on it to correct his bad limp and felt pissed off about the whole thing all over again.

"But that was when you raped Yuffie."

"God damn it Vincent! I didn't rape that thieving whore!"

"That's not what she said."

"Cause she's a fucking liar!"

By now, everyone else had begun to get a closer look at the vast array of guns, swords, knives and so on and where ignoring the growing tensions between Vincent, Yuffie and Gabe. Gabe eventually gave up his argument and joined Tifa in looking at the various weaponry.

"This is pretty," exclaimed Tifa picking up a gunblade and studying its features.

Gabe shook his head, "Okay Julia Roberts."

"What?! Just because that talentless bimbo won best actress at the Oscars doesn't mean you have to snap at me."

Gabe took the gunblade from her and began looking at it; "This _is_ a pretty cool. I think I'll use it for any fights we get into," Gabe held the gunblade out at arms length and took a couple practice swings. The weapon made virtually no sound as it cut through the air. The thought of how hard he had fallen in his battle with Link was still in Gabe's mind and he wanted to be ready the next time it happened.

"What do you need a weapon for? You're the author. You could just snap your fingers and Mario would explode."

"True…but I really have no idea what's going to happen next either. I just let these write themselves and keep that fan fic authors power for when I really need it. I'm hoping this eliminates things like foregone conclusions."

"Oh," Tifa who had never written much outside of what she had been forced to write in school only nodded and continued to look at weapons. Gabe was not the only one who chose to borrow some of the weapons. Yuffie grabbed several shurikens, Bruce Willis grabbed what looked like a cross between a machine gun circa 1920's and an AK-47 and to round out the one sided pot luck, Vincent picked up a sleeker more sophisticated version of the shotgun he had been carrying for most of his life.

"We should totally kick ass now with these new weapons," beamed Yuffie admiring the shurikens.

"One would hope," answered Bruce Willis. "So where do we go from here?"

"Well, I'm guessing this hallway of guns goes on for quite a ways so we should just take one of those other doors outside," suggested Red XIII. After a general agreement amongst the group, the six walked back towards the door and opened it. Gabe, who was in front, stopped cold at what he saw upon opening the door. His complexion suddenly turning more pale then usual and his heart began pounding. Covering most of the hallway behind the three doors was a small army of masked ninja's. To make matters worse, the ninja's had a large, varying supply of guns as every ninja was holding at least two guns.

Gabe, hoping he hadn't been seen, threw himself back in and stopped Vincent from going to check why Gabe had leapt back inside. "What the hell is wrong?" asked Bruce.

"There's a few dozen…dozen…dozen ninja's outside."

Bruce's expression at that moment, regained it's original bad ass demeanor. "Armed with guns?"

"Y-yeah. How'd you know?"

"I dealt with this in _Die Hard 4: Tokyo Terror_. I know exactly what to do."

"Thank god…what?"

"Stick your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye."

"Great," moaned Yuffie. "We're doomed!" At this moment Yuffie was greatly wishing she could fulfill her secret desire to own at least one _Smiths_ album before she died. She also wished she had gotten to get in at least one more session of Mistress Ivana with Vincent.

"Just kidding," grinned Bruce. He appeared to enjoy scaring people in these type of scenarios. "It's actually pretty standard stuff. Tifa, take a look along the weapons and see if you can find me some smoke bombs or something similar." Tifa said she would and not surprisingly returned a minute later with four smoke bombs reasoning that she didn't know how many Bruce Willis had wanted. Bruce looked them over and assured her that would be enough. By now everyone had figured out what to do except for Yuffie.

"Okay…now we're going to have the most expendable character amongst us to run out ahead of everyone and throw the smoke bombs." On cue, everyone looked at Yuffie and it was obvious a nearly unanimous decision had been reached.

Yuffie was not surprising somewhat opposed to the unspoken decision, "Come on! Can't we draw straws or something?"

"I guess…" replied Gabe.

"Yuffie fans around the world are already going to be rioting so we may as well save a few TV sets," Tifa remarked producing some straws from her shirt.

"You have straws in your shirt?" asked Red XIII looking up at Tifa.

"It's quite surprising what I keep in here."

"Let's just get this over with," muttered Vincent who had a top-secret plan in mind that he would put into action should Yuffie lose out again. Within a couple of minutes everyone in the group had chosen a straw and now looked to see who had gotten the losing straw.

"I don't fucking believe this."

"Wow…" exclaimed Yuffie. "Red lost!"

"How in the hell am I going to throw four smoke bombs?!"

Bruce Willis began to think quickly and came to a solution after recalling something either Cloud or Cait Sith had told him once. "I think I have an idea."

"What?"

"Well…I remember being told once that there is no one in the known world who can…break wind like you can."

"Please tell me you're not proposing what I think you are," pleaded Red who knew well in his mind what he had in mind.

"Eat the smoke bomb and run out there…blazing…they won't know what hit em."

Red opened his mouth to protest but shut it quickly and knew it was futile. Red stuffed the smoke bombs down his throat and waited for a moment. Before long, a deep cavern-like rumble emanated from his stomach and Red knew what came next. He made his way to the door and turned back to the others who where ready to jump out as soon as Red opened fire. "Is this all really necessary? I mean, we could get the same affect if we all just ran out and fired guns as we run for the door."

Bruce looked at Red as if he had just asked why no one likes Regis Philbin, "You just don't understand ANYTHING do you?"

Red felt embarrassed and looked down, he couldn't hold in the gas much longer, "I guess I don't."

"It can't be helped…ready?"

"No."

"That's the spirit! Go!" Bruce threw open the door and Red bolted out, letting out a horrendous barrage of farts that sounded like an AK-47 that had been hooked up to speakers the size of skyscrapers. Gabe was finding a new found respect for Red as he followed everyone else out and quite nearly passed out from the smell which he noticed was actually melting the metal on the wall. He saw everyone dart into the door across from the one they had just left and not knowing where it went followed.

Gabe heard the door shut behind them and looked around, relieved to see that everyone including Red had made it okay.

"That was fairly disturbing," said Vincent.

"Quite…did anyone survive?"

"Nope."

Tifa looked ahead and felt a wave of relief and excitement, "Look an elevator! We can get to the 18th floor now!"

"Not yet!" came a razor sharp tone.

"What now?" asked Vincent out loud turning around with the others to see Ryu who was also known as Ninja Gaiden and Conker the squirrel. 

"It's going to take a lot more than intense farting to kill me!" gloated Ryu drawing his ninja sword that appeared to have been crafted thousands of years ago with the finest metals and materials. It was the type of sword a collector would give up his fortune for.

"We'll see…" said Gabe who was eager to give his new gun blade a real test run other than the one he had earlier with the air.

"BARAKACHAK!!!!!" screamed Conker leaping upwards and landing on Tifa's breasts and began punching at her face while bouncing up and down on her bust as if it where a trampoline. Gabe stepped forward to help her then cocked his head back and saw Ryu handling everyone else with little effort and ran over to help.

"BARAKACHAK! BARAKACHAK!" screamed Conker who was still punching Tifa in the face over and over again then suddenly changed course and dove his face down to Tifa's breasts and tearing most of the front of her shirt off.

"You little fucking pervert!!" screamed Tifa finally able to knock Conker off of her but not before he shred the rest of her thin fabric shirt off. She tried in vain to cover her breasts with her hand but realized it was useless and felt incredible anger surging through her. "Let's see how you like this!" cried Tifa who charged at Conker and sent him flying with a Final Heaven.

Vincent, who had just been knocked back by Ryu looked up and saw Conker coming his way. Reacting with killer speed, Vincent spun his new shotgun in his hand, aimed it, and fired once sending several pieces of Conker falling in various places.

Gabe saw Ryu looking over to Vincent while he battled them and was almost certain that Ryu was smiling through his ninja mask. Gabe saw Bruce Willis open up a round from his machine gun/AK-47 cross and saw his chance, he clutched the gun blade in his hand and brought it down in Ryu's direction cutting down on the cloth on his shoulder and into the skin ever so slightly. Ryu showed no sign of pain and swung at Gabe which proved to be a grave mistake as Red XIII nailed him with a Blood Fang when he swung and Yuffie sent him crashing to the cold, steel floor with Bloodfest

Ryu leaned against the wall, looking up and seeing that battle wise they had him. He cursed his moment of carelessness and pulled himself up and at that second, appreciated how much power was in the attacks that Yuffie and Red XIII had just inflicted on him. He forced himself to laugh in an attempt to save face, "Not bad…Mario may have underestimated you all…I can promise you that we will meet again." Ryu raised his arm in the air and when he brought it down, there was a loud popping sound and smoke began to rise up all around him. The smoke faded away almost instantly and when it had, Ryu was gone and with the exception of the blood on the floor, you could never have known he was here.

"Let's get the hell out of here before-" Bruce's words where cut short when the lights went out and where replaced with a flashing red light that blended in well with the darkness. Everyone heard the sound of footsteps and knew their time to escape had mere seconds left in it. They ran into the elevator and stepped in, realizing that it was a glass elevator and not paying more than a moments notice and hitting the button for the 18th floor just as a second small army of ninjas came into view.

"We made it!" exclaimed Tifa throwing her arms around Gabe and taking him completely by surprise. Vincent and Yuffie took a similar cue and began making out like rabid dogs.

At that moment Gabe thought he would finally get to finish what he had started the other day when he heard the sound of a helicopter and knew the sound of it was too close for comfort. The potential kiss was once again interrupted and everyone looked and saw a helicopter with the words Nintendo on the side. 

"Duck!" snapped Bruce Willis throwing himself down.

Yuffie looked excited, "Duck? Where? All I see is some stupid-ow!" Yuffie yelped as Vincent grabbed her and pulled her to the ground with him. Sure enough, the helicopter opened fire and destroyed most of the glass elevator in less then a round. Bruce aimed his gun and began firing. Unfortunately, the firing created a small explosion on the front of the elevator as it continued to slowly move up and Bruce as well as Tifa flew forward and disappeared from the elevator.

Horrible panic infested everyone as Gabe crawled over to the edge while Vincent and Red XIII held off the helicopter. Gabe peered over the edge and saw Bruce hanging on to the edge with as little of his hand as possible. It was obvious to see that his grip was growing weaker by the second as below him was Tifa hanging onto his foot for dear life. The helicopter continued to fire and amazingly missed Bruce and Tifa. Gabe grabbed Bruce's hand but knew he could do little else as the gunfire was making it impossible to do anything.

Suddenly, the gunfire stopped. Bruce, Gabe and, Tifa turned and saw that the gun had been frozen thanks to an ICE3 spell from Red XIII and three shots from Vincent sent the copter bursting into flames and plummeting to the ground below. As Gabe with the help of Vincent pulled Tifa and Bruce up, the elevator came to an abrupt stop and a cheery, robotic voice informed them that the elevator had reached the 18th floor and told them to have a nice day. 

Everyone not affording time to get their bearings, ran off of the elevator and stopped dead in their tracks as they saw that they where in some sort of hangar. "So, where the hell is our ship?" asked Vincent.

"I dunno…come on we don't have a hell of a lot of time so let's hurry up and look," Bruce pulled out a 9 mm and ran down ahead of everyone else. He knew there would be a few guards up here and was ready to take them down without hesitation. Sure enough, he saw two men who had probably had a lot of roles in side scrolling fighting games and shot them both once each. He saw another one coming towards him and did the same.

Tifa, Red, and Gabe found their ship a couple minutes later. Amazingly, it had been completely repaired and looked even better then when Cid had built it. It even had two machine guns on the left and right side of it. Bruce, Vincent, and Yuffie joined them and together, they got on board their ship but not before Vincent gunned down three more men. The six ran to the bridge where they saw to their surprise a man dressed in a mechanics suit standing near the controls with a wrench.

Everyone knew this could work to their advantage and Gabe was the first to act. Drawing his gun blade and pointing it at the mechanic. "You know how to fly this well?"

"I-I-I guess," stammered the mechanic who two minutes ago had decided to have cheeseburgers for lunch while he made some last minute adjustments to this ship that was brought in yesterday.

Bruce joined Gabe and pointed the 9mm at the mechanic. Although it was not necessary, Vincent did the same, "Then you need to take those controls and get us out of here or you're going to become the worlds ugliest piece of Swiss cheese.

"G-Gotcha," the mechanic was a good two steps away from having a bowel accident of some sort but grabbed the controls and reached down with his right hand and switched the controls on. Before anyone realized it the ship was ready to go and began to fly towards the wall which had a closed door outlined in it. "You don't expect me to fly through this wall do you?!"

"That's part of the idea," replied Tifa. Gabe looked out the window and saw several ninjas, flying turtles, thugs and several armored pigs with swords running in vain towards them and then turned back to the front window to see the ship picking up speed and drawing closer and closer to the wall. 

"I don't know if this ship can take this!" cried the mechanic.

"Just fly the damn thing!" snapped Bruce Willis. The mechanic gulped loudly and pushed the controls forward adding more speed to the ship which introduced itself to the wall and went right through it and reemerged on the outside of the skyscraper making it's course as far away from Nintendo tower as humanly possible.

**__**

Meanwhile…

Mario watched the ship blasting away from Nintendo towers and felt his heart sink. He berated himself for not questioning them sooner and was now in the throes of self-pity when Dr. Wily made his way into the office smiling an eerie grin. Mario looked at him and felt incredibly angry, "And why the fuck are you so god damn happy?"

"Ah…that's right…I forgot to tell you. When we salvaged the wreckage of their ship we where able to save information from it…including where the ship has been since it was first activated."

A new hope engulfed Mario, "You mean…we know where they came from?"

"That's correct."

"Fantastic! The all out attack can proceed as planned but first…send up my dear brother."

"Yes sir," Dr. Wily turned and walked out slowly. Mario stood up, formed a fireball in his right hand, and in one swift motion, threw it at one of the dozens of TV monitors. As the smoke rose from the destroyed monitor, Mario threw back his head and laughed.

**__**

Back at the Mayors Mansion in New Nibelheim… 

"Man…that was a bad day," groaned Cloud out loud walking into the rec. room where he was greeted by Aeris who gave him a wifely kiss. She sat down with him on the couch where Cid was playing _Unreal Tournament _against Barret and Stone Cold Steve Austin while Shera watched from a chair with Marlene. 

Cait Sith was sitting at the far end of the couch with a guitar in his hands, "Hey Cloud!" he greeted with an annoyingly high voice. "Guess what I've decided to become?"

"Something that involves you leaving?"

"Ha ha Cloud…good one! No really, what I've decided to be is a parody singer!"

"A parody singer."

"Yeah! Just like Weird Al! I've even written my first song wanna hear it?"

"No not really."

"Okay…if you insist…here goes to the tune of the Oscar Myer Wiener song…"

__

Oh I was I had a giant penissss

One preferably the size of a tree-e-eeee

Cause if I had a giant penissss

Everyone would be in love with meeeeeeeeeeeee

"So what do ya think?" Cloud opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off by Cait. "I know it's amazing! I smell a future career!"

"I smell something all right," muttered Barret.

"I better go to my room and write some more! As soon as I get a few more songs down." Cait leapt off the couch and hopped away, giggling madly at all the future success his song writing career was sure to give him.

"The sad thing is," said Cloud turning to Aeris once Cait had left. "This is probably the highlight of my day." 

"That is pretty sad."

Cloud sighed then turned to the screen where Cid had just been gunned down by Austin. "So Cid you're back to normal at last?"

"Yep…" he turned to Steve Austin. "And it took you damn long enough!"

Austin looked over at Cid, then rose to his feet and picked up Cid by his goggles, "I think someone needs a lesson in appreciation."

"Nah."  


"Only take a minute," Austin dragged Cid away and after a minute the sound of tables and glass breaking and heavy punches could be heard. As well as the screams and desperate pleas from Cid to not get his ass kicked.

Aeris grabbed Clouds arm and looked down at his watch; "I have to go check something. I'll be back in a minute."

Cloud who had been looking forward to some time alone with Aeris muttered and sighed for a second time, "Okay honey." 

After Aeris left Barret looked up, "You wanna get yo ass whooped?"

"Sure," Cloud sat down on the floor, picked up the controller, and began chasing down Barret with evil intentions. 

End.

Well that's it for part three. I ended up using myself a little more than I would have liked but ah well for those who can't stand myself in the series, (all 5.99 billion of you) will be glad to know my character won't be in the next part as much which should be up in a couple weeks time so keep and eye open and as always thanks for reading and thanks to Lotuss Tears for his great editing work.


	4. Let the battle of incredible absurdity f...

Final Fantasy 7-#14-Let the battle of incredible absurdity for the sake of the world begin

Final Fantasy 7-#14-Let the battle of incredible absurdity for the sake of the world begin!

Part Four in the Nintendo Strikes Back Saga

Written by Gabe Ricard

Disclaimer: With the exception of Gabe and the ship the 7th Heaven I don't own anything here so don't sue me.

"What the hell do you want Mario?" asked Luigi after being shoved into Mario's office by Link and Diddy Kong.

"Luigi…my dear brother, I wanted to just say goodbye before we go. Still don't want to come with us?"

"You know damn well the answer to that," replied Luigi coldly.

Mario moved closer to Luigi and without saying another word, created a small fireball and plunged it into Luigi's heart. Mario watched Luigi's eyes pop open in shock then began to fade rapidly, he would be dead within seconds. He lived long enough to hear his brother Mario lean down and whisper, "You know how much I hate long good byes so I thought I'd make it short and sweet." Mario stood back and let Luigi fall to the ground then motioned for Link and Diddy, "Take him down to the lab and freeze him. Who knows? Maybe there'll be some use for him someday." Link nodded and dragged the body along with Diddy. Mario watched them go then began to get ready to leave.

**__**

The next day at the Mayors Mansion in New Nibelheim 

"You're a fucking sellout."

Stone Cold Steve Austin cast an annoyed glare at Cid and Cait Sith, "It's been almost three months since _Wrestlemania_ and I'd really like to get on with my career. You didn't even find out about it until yesterday."

"That's because the only loser around here who watches wrestling is Gabe. So Steve, how could you sell your soul like that just to get the WWF World Title?"

Austin stood up and grabbed Cid by the back of the neck, "I think it's time we had a talk with Mr. Toilet on why bothering Stone Cold can be hazardous to your health." Cid tried to choke out a desperate explanation of some kind by was dragged away by Austin.

"What about me?" asked Cait in a moment of absent thinking.

"I'll think of something for you if you're stupid enough to be here when I get back," replied Austin before disappearing from the Rec. room where they had been playing video games. They where actually the only ones in the entire mansion as Cloud was at work, Aeris was visiting a friend in Midgar, Barret was doing something similar in North Corel. Marlene was in school and Shera was simply no where to be found.

"Son of a bitch," mumbled Cait hopping off the couch and onto his moggle, "Freeloading bastard won't order me around for long…" Cait hopped out of the room and still made a personal promise to himself. The promise being to extract revenge on the Texas Rattlesnake at a later date and time.

**__**

Meanwhile…on the airship the 7th Heaven…

"Do you two have to make out every seven damn seconds?" asked Bruce Willis who's patience with the constant petting of Vincent and Yuffie.

Vincent took a break from Yuffie and stared coldly at Bruce, "Do you have to kill someone every seven damn seconds?"

Bruce pulled out his Nine Millimeter and aimed it at Vincent, "Why yes I do…and wouldn't you know it's five…six…"

"Will you two just cut it out," roared Red XIII stepping onto the bridge. Red wasn't one for yelling but felt it was necessary in the situation and he wanted a place under the sun to sleep without actually going outside and the bridge was the best place to do it. 

Bruce retracted the gun and it seemingly disappeared from view, "Where's Tifa? I know she was pretty glad to get a shirt on when we got back last night,""

"Yeah…it was pretty cool to watch Tifa run around with no top on for what? the couple hours between our escape from Nintendo Tower and the battle with those guys from Nintendo."

"She almost castrated Vincent when we go on board when he asked her if there was a draft."

"That was pretty damn funny."

"The hell it was," Vincent replied under his breath.

"So where is she?"

"I dunno…probably going outside."

"Or to have sex with Gabe." 

Everyone stopped and looked back at Yuffie. "Yuffie," began Bruce, "Shut the hell up."

"Sorry…" Yuffie lowered her head.

**__**

Over in Gabe's room…

"Man…I don't think I'll ever get tired of _Mystery Science Theater 3000_," mumbled Gabe laughing. His viewing of _Manos: The hands of fate_ was interrupted with a knock on his door. He groaned and hit pause on his TV then sat up, "It's open." The door opened and before Gabe could say a word, Tifa walked in and kissed Gabe for several long seconds then broke the kiss. "Ummmmm…"

"I just thought if there was any buildup something would go wrong," explained Tifa.

"G-g-good th-thinking," muttered Gabe. 

Tifa sat down on the bed and ever so slightly snuggled up to Gabe, "So what are you watching?"

**__**

Back to the bridge…

"So what do we do at this point?" asked Red XIII.

Bruce Willis shrugged, "I guess we're heading back to that town we came from,"

"Nibelheim," reminded Vincent.

"Yeah…we're gonna go there and warn Cloud that Nintendo is on it's way. Maybe we can get some people together and have a fighting chance."

"Are you gonna kill me yet?" asked the pilot who had been abducted from Nintendo Towers based on the unluckiness of happening to be on board when Bruce Willis, Tifa and the others got on board.

"In the spirit of _Star Trek V_, no," replied Vincent.

"Undoubtedly, the worst _Trek_ ever," agreed Bruce.

"You watch _Star Trek_?" asked Vincent.

Bruce's head suddenly jerked up with sudden realization of what he had just said, "Me? Hell no…you saw how much joy I got out of watching the _Enterprise-A_ blow up when those freaks beamed us up onto their ship."

"You knew which _Enterprise_ it was?" asked Vincent.

Bruce was silent for a moment before storming away, Red looked up from his spot in the corner, "You're a Trekkie?"

"Yeah…"

"Sure didn't act like it."

"You know I'm good at suppressing any and all of my emotions."

"We didn't think you could do that anymore."

"Really?"

"Especially when you drink. Then it's just funny."

"Hmm," Vincent leaned back and after a moment of staring out the window nearest to him resumed his make out marathon with Yuffie.

**__**

Several minutes later… 

"Hey!" cried Yuffie banging on the door of Gabe's room. "Get your clothes on and come out here! There's another ship outside!"

Gabe and Tifa both came out a minute, "We weren't having sex Yuffie you moron. We where watching TV."

"Sureeeee," replied Yuffie in an intended obnoxious tone before bolting down the hallway back towards the bridge.

"I say we throw her over the edge," voted Gabe following Yuffie slowly alongside Tifa.

"Nah. So what was Yuffie babbling about?"

"Something about a ship."

"Think its Nintendo?"

"If it is, they followed us AWFULY quick." Neither said another word as they came to the bridge and nearly fell over at what they saw.

**__**

Once again…on the bridge…

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!" cried Yuffie.

"It looks like a spaceship," replied Bruce Willis. "But it's…huge."

"It's the…Yggdrasil from Xenogears! What the hell is it doing here?"

"Should we go on board?" asked Vincent.

"What? The whole ship? Cause we're about 1/10th the size of that thing."

"Sounds about right…hey they're opening up. Should we go in?"

"What the hell…we've had pretty good luck with ships thus far."

"No we didn't...both encounters resulted in death and destruction."

"Shut up Red."

"Too late now…" remarked Tifa as the now tiny 7TH Heaven was seemingly swallowed whole by the massive Yggdrasil IV.

**__**

Several minutes later…

"So, it IS the ship from Xenogears!" exclaimed Gabe. _Xenogears_ was one of his all time favorite games and to just be on the ship from it was quite a thrill.

"That's right," replied Fei reaching out and shaking everyone's hands. Behind him where most of the heroes from the game, Fei's wife Elly, Citan, Bart and, Billy 

"So, why did you guys pick us up?"

"It's quite simple," began Citan before Bart interrupted him.

"Great, we're only gonna be here damn near forever."

"Young master," replied Citan with a heavy sigh, "I don't appreciate that."

"Really SHITAN?"

"I told you that's not my name…"

"That's your name in the Japanese version right?"

"Well yes but-"

"I rest my case," smirked Bart folding his arms.

"ANYWAY," said Fei loudly. "We knew where you where coming from. We where on out way to attack Nintendo as a matter of fact," Fei saw the sudden grave expression on the faces of Gabe and the others and sighed, "They're on their way aren't they?"

"Yep." 

"Crap…we're screwed."

"Why? Haven't you been able to recruit anyone?"

"Yep…they're upstairs at the bar. I warn you though it's not terribly impressive." The large group began to make it's way to the bar and where soon there. Bruce and the others looked at who they had recruited and where speechless. Before them was Jay and Silent Bob, the two clerks Dante and Randal and Norm Mcdonald as well as the rest of the Xenogears cast, Maria, Rico, Emeralda and Chu-Chu. Norm was demanding to know where the prostitutes were.

Fei sighed, he seemed to be doing this a lot, "We picked up Jay and Silent Bob who we where TOLD-" he stopped to shoot Bart a glare. "They where great prophets and we found them outside the Quick Stop and while we picked them out these two," he pointed to Dante and Randal, "Followed them on."

"More like dragged us on," muttered Dante folding his arms and shaking his head.

"We gots you away from your stressful job. You should thank us," grinned Jay.

"More like push you outside the side of the ship the first we get," replied Randal who also didn't seem to agree with the two stoners.

Fei moved on with the tour and came to Norm, "Him? We found him passed out in the bar…we're not sure how he got on…"

Norm popped some aspirin but strangely brightened when he saw Tifa, "At last!" he exclaimed, "A prostitute!" he walked over to Tifa, "Are you ready for an evening of Norm and dirty sex?"

Tifa took a step back, "First off, I'm not a prostitute."

Norm took another step forward, "Sure you're not!"

Tifa took a second step back, "SECOND OF ALL, " It's daytime. I could give you the number of a free prositi-"

"Tifa, that's not funny anymore," said Gabe.

"So this is it?" said Red XIII, "This as well Cloud and the others is the army we're sending into battle with one of the most powerful video game empires in the known universe."

"Just about."

"Cool."

"What about the other PSX heroes? Like Lara Croft, Sweet Tooth, Crash Bandicoot and the others?" asked Vincent.

"Would you believe they're ALL on vacation?" replied Rico.

Fei turned around and looked at Rico as if he had just farted in church, "Rico…did I give you permission to speak?"

"No…"

"THEN SHUT UP!!"

"Sorry sir," replied Rico lowering his head.

Gabe shook his head, "I thought Rico was your friend."

"He is," answered Maria. "Last weekend Fei and Rico had a drinking contest in which the loser had to be the personal butler of the winner for a month." Gabe simply nodded. 

"So when are we getting into Nibelheim?" asked Yuffie.

"Soon," responded Fei. "Verrrry so-"

"We're here," announced Sigurd walking into the room. He turned to Bart, "And Margie would like to talk to you before you go."

"Sure thing," replied Bart heading off.

"The old ball n chain wants a moment alone eh?" asked Billy.

Bart swung around and stared Billy, "I swear to god Billy, if you say that ONE MORE GOD DAMN TIME, I'M GOING TO FEED YOU A BARTWEISER RECTALLY!!"

Billy put his hand on the gun at his right side, "Try it Cyclops."

"Bart just go!" snapped Fei. Bart appeared to be ready to say something in response to Billy's "Cyclops" comment but instead simply walked out.

"Can you show us where to go?" asked Fei turning to Tifa.

"Sure."

"Emeralda, leave me alone!" cried Elly trying to get away from Emeralda who had been following Elly around for the better part of the entire day.

"Did you and Elly really adopt her after you got married?" asked Gabe as everyone began to walk off of the Yggdrasil.

"Yes…and it was one of the greatest mistakes of my life. She follows around Elly constantly and refers to her as 'mom'"

"Well you DID adopt her."

"It's still creepy."

"I guess."

**__**

Meanwhile…in the office of Cloud Stryfe… 

"Ah…what a day," Cloud leaned back in his seat and smiled, "It had been an amazingly quiet day and with a few short hours left to go he was looking forward to when he could go home and relax. He really loved this job and felt comfortable in the knowledge that nothing will ever happen.

"Mr. Mayor!" barked a distinctly feminine voice on Cloud's intercom. "There's gotta be like twenty people waiting for you out here!"

Cloud cast an annoyed glance at the intercom, his bliss was now in danger of being squashed. He would do everything he could to get rid of whoever these twenty people were. He pressed the small lone button on the intercom, "Send em in." The moment these words left his lips, the two doors burst open and everyone from the Yggdrasil including Norm, Jay, Silent Bob, Dante and Randal.

"What the hell?! Tifa? Gabe? Bruce? Who're these guys?" he motioned to Fei and the others.

"It's a great story," replied Gabe. "Care to tell it Red?"

"What? why me?"

"Because you're the master story teller!" 

"No I'm not."

"Are too."

"Are not."

"Are too."

"WILL SOMEONE JUST TELL THE FUCKING STORY!!!!!!!"

**__**

Elsewhere…on the main Nintendo ship…

"Well?" asked Mario. "Are we near?"

"Yes," replied Glass Joe, "We'll be there in minutes."

"Good…" A moment later, Dr. Wily stepped next to Mario, he had a rather excited look on his face. Mario noticed the look and shot him a disgusted scowl, "What the hell are you so happy about?"

"I've got an invention in the works…something that could virtually assure our victory!"

"And that would be?"

"I'd like to wait until it's done before I unveil it. Also, I recommend you not kill any of the ff7 heroes…not yet anyway for my invention will allow you to toy with them and everyone we take down thereafter in a way you never thought possible."

"And why shouldn't I?"

"It's a surprise. You'll have to trust me."

"A surprise/?"

"A surprise."

"A surprise you haven't finished yet."

"Yeah." 

"Then what the hell are you doing on the bridge if it's not even done yet?"

"I got lonely," muttered Wily staring at the ground. "I'm the only one in that little lab built onto the ship."

"You're lonely?"

"Very."

"Get back in the damn lab and finish whatever the hell you're working on."

"Okay…" with his head still aimed at the ground, Dr. Wily walked off of the bridge. 

Mario shook his head and resumed his original activity of looking out the window, "Soon…very soon…Nintendo's vengeance will begin."

**__**

Back in New Nibelheim…

"What the hells going on?" asked Barret arriving in the city and seeing everyone outside Clouds building on their way back to the mansion.

"Barret! Thank god! We're gonna need all the help we can get!" exclaimed Cloud

"What the hell's going on?" asked Barret with serious confusion in his voice.

"Let's all get to the mansion, we'll run the details by you there.

**__**

Moving on…to the mansion!

"Wow…that's all pretty fucked up," muttered Barret scratching his head with his gun-arm.

"I know-"

"Cloud! I-I need to speak with you," burst in Aeris who stopped at the large crowd of heroes in Clouds home office.

"Aeris, you're back, look something's going on and-"

"Cloud, there's something I need to tell you," interrupted Aeris. 

Cloud rolled his eyes, this was not the best time for Aeris to start flaking out, "What is it?"

"Well-"

Aeris's story was brought to a screeching hault with a tremendous explosion from outside.

"Look's like the party's getting started," remarked Fei.

"That phrase isn't TOO overused," muttered Randal.

"I'd like it duly noted that I wasn't supposed to be here today," remarked Randal.

"Duly noted…for the 7th time."

"Should we mention there's a new clerks fan fic in the Kevin Smith section called Clerk Rats?" asked Randal.

"We should," agreed Dante, "People should read it. They need to know it's in the Kevin Smith section here at-"

"WILL YOU TWO STOP PLUGGING YOUR DAMN FAN FIC AND GET OUTSIDE WITH THE REST OF US!" yelled Elly running out.

"Are we really suited for heavy combat?" asked Dante slowly following. Randal shrugged.

**__**

Outside…where the battle of the century (thank you new millennium) is about to take place…

"Man…that thing is almost as big as the Yggdrasil," observed Fei as the large group saw the main Nintendo ship hover over the thriving town like a dark rain cloud. There were also two much smaller ships to the right and left that appeared to be very similar in design. The large ship then opened up and about two dozen pods about the size of school buses fell from it and began crashing into buildings and the ground. Various Nintendo characters began to emerge from it and surrounded Fei, Cloud and all of the others. From above, another pod, this one much sleeker looking seemed to maneuver it's way to the ground, happening to land right in front of the heroes. The pod opened and Mario made his way out, bearing a look on his face that suggested victory had already made it's way to Nintendo.

"Well, it seems that you managed to pick up a few people on the way," observed Mario.

"Wait, wait, wait," interrupted Cloud. "I thought you where Italian."

Mario who did not like the first of his many pre-victory speeches to be interrupted with inane questions rolled his eyes, "I AM Italian you moron…I just don't use the accent."

"Oh," was all Cloud said in reply.

"Anyway, even with these…well I don't know who they are"

"We're the guys you attacked a few days ago you moron," snapped Fei.

He waved his hand towards the _Xenogears_ cast, Norm Mcdonald and the View Askew character_, "_but still…the end is near and Nintendo's re-"

"Can we please fight? I don't think anyone really wants to hear this. Especially me and the rest of us who where captured by your incompetent staff," snapped Gabe pulling out his gun blade.

Mario shrugged, "Whatever. Well, here goes." Mario raised his right hand into the air and upon snapping it, everyone attacked. Link went straight for Gabe and Cloud and was fighting them both off with amazing ability. Goemon was bouncing around dodging Billy's repeated attempts to shoot him, Rico began trading punches with Bald Bull, Fei nearly took off Mega Man's head with a combination of kicks then attacked Sabin one of the many characters that had secretly aligned themselves with Nintendo. Ryu drew his ninja sword and began attacking Yuffie, causing Vincent to come to her aid and get his mutant arm sliced clean off. 

Zangief attacked Tifa who attempted to fell Zangief with a kick to the nuts. Zangief merely looked at her and laughed, "FOOLISH GIRL! IN RUSSIA OUR TESTICLES ARE MADE OF PURE STEEL!! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!" Tifa shrugged and unleashed Final Heaven on him. Twice. The second time Zangief crashed to the ground and lay unmoving. Tifa felt better then she had ever felt in a fight this feeling soon faded as she got into a cat fight with Samsus who had lost most of her armor. 

"I'm gonna sever your little fucking head!" cried Cloud taking another swing at Link and not only missing but getting kicked in the jaw by the girl from _Mischief Makers_ as he missed. Gabe managed to punt her into a building then swinging at Link who blocked the attack then jumped away from another attack by Cloud. Nearby Stone Cold was stomping the life out of some nameless thug, Jay and Silent Bob where amazingly holding their own against a small heard of Yoshi's, Dante and Randal where no where to be found and Norm was stomping the life out of Fido Dido. 

Mario watched the fight rage on from the building he was standing on. At this rate, they would most likely take them down within the hour. That was never really the plan, to simply wipe them out in one cleans swipe would be far too easy. Still, he was leaning more towards that since he had a lot of grown to cover. Then he remembered Wily babbling about an invention of some kind…and Wily was not one to babble…unless it was really important. In the end, the notion of having something that could change the face of all his plans for the better was too much to resist. For now, he would call his troops off and simply keep the others in the knowledge that this was only a small piece of the power they had been building up…and it indeed was. Mario raised his hand and created one of his many fireballs, one of the largest he had ever produced and hurled it at the ground. It caused a tremendous explosion and actually got everyone to stop fighting. Mario muttered a command into the sleeve of his arm and then turned to face the group below him, "Nintendo! Let's go. This is not the time when we wipe them out." At that moment, a ship came down and all of the remaining Nintendo people which was all but three got on while small lasers held back any undesirables. Mario waited until the ship rose to his level and jumped on, smiling cruelly as the ship disappeared into the belly of the main Nintendo ship which instead remained where it was.

A long, tense silence came over everyone who simply stared up at the ship for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, Cloud broke the silence by suggesting they head indoors and plan their next move. Everyone in a slow manner, agreed and made their way towards the mansion.

**__**

A few hours later…

"It's done! It's done!" exclaimed Dr. Wily rushing into Mario's personal quarters.

"This invention of yours?" asked Mario. "Let's see it then."

"All right…when we analyzed the FF7 characters we caught I made an interesting discovery. The true power lies in Gabe Ricard who seems to poesess the fan fic authors power…the ultimate power."

Mario scoffed, "If he's so powerful why doesn't he just destroy us all."

"Very few ever actually use it to it's fullest extent…Mr. Ricard hardly uses it at all."

"So what does this matter? This seems more like bad news to me…"

"Oh but its not I assure you. You see, I have managed to figure out how to simply take this power and harness it into a single and simple object."

"What object?"

Wily held up a what looked like a rubrics cube. Except it was sleek black, "This, contains Mr.Ricard finger prints and when activated will drain him of the power?"

Mario was genuinely impressed, "How did you make that thing?"

"Sorry. A true mastermind never reveals his secrets. With this, you'll be the most powerful man in the universe!"

At that moment based on the information Mario had read, an idea came to him. A brilliant idea. "It wont be given to me. Not yet anyway."

"What?! then who?"

"This time it's my turn to say it's a surprise. Get someone to bring me a phone book."

"A phone book?"

"Did I stutter?"

"No…I'll get it."

  
"And Wily?"

"Yes?"

"I have a few ideas for some modifications…something to insure my idea won't backfire."

"Anything."

"Excellent," Mario took a moment to laugh evil like before going into the modifications he had in mind.

End.

That's it for part four. There's still a good ways to go, but I plan to work solely on this (With the small exception of a project I have in mind) over the summer so hopefully I'll be able to get through this little epic of mine. Thanks for reading and as always I welcome any and all comments.


	5. Revenge is a dish best served-bah you kn...

Final Fantasy 7-#15

Final Fantasy 7-#15

Revenge is a dish best served-bah you know the rest

Part five in the Nintendo strikes back saga…

Written by Gabe Ricard

Disclaimer: I own nothing but Gabe…so go away.

Here it is…part five already. I'm trying to buckle down and get through this little saga as it's still got at least six or seven stories left to go. These little intros are pretty short so sit back and enjoy.

"Do you guys ever hang out anywhere else?" asked Billy. "You live in a mansion!" Billy was sitting on a second couch with numerous others as Avalanche, _Xenogears_ cast, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Norm Mcdonald, Bruce Willis, Dante Hicks and Randal Graves as well as Jay and his hetero life mate Silent Bob.

Cloud turned back and looked at Billy quizzically, "We do have rooms we sleep in." Billy said nothing and nodded.

"What are gonna do?" questioned Fei for the 4th time that nigh in the midst of choking down his 11th cheeseburger a number that didn't impress neither Barret or Rico (who still had to commend Fei on it anyway). 

"That's what I wanna know," agreed Cid. "We got a ship the size of two Midgars hanging above us with a bunch of guys on board bent on killing us. We can't hide here forever. That's for damn sure."

"What an amazing observation!" exclaimed Bart with blatant sarcasm. "Does six thousand years of smoking bring about this incredible insight?"

Cid smiled as he felt a confrontation coming on and stood up to go eyes to eye with Bart who also rose sensing an oncoming fight, "I could kick your ass so hard you'd be pulling butt hairs out of your teeth for the rest of your life."

Cloud rolled his eyes, "Will you two just quit? I think I speak for everyone here when I say that these fights are getting a little on the annoying side."

"Yeah…nothing more repetitive then the same two people fighting over and over again," said Aeris.

"Brilliant insight flower slut," said Tifa walking into the room

"Eat shit and die mega-tits!" retorted Aeris.

"At least I have tits,"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"THAT'S IT!" Tifa was about to spear Aeris but Gabe snared her and dragged her out of the room.

At that point Norm who had had little success scoring with any of the girls in either groups walked over to try and help with the peace process. "Yeah…come on you guys. Why don't we-"

Both Bart and Cid who where not Norm fans collectively shoved him to the ground, "Back off," they both snapped in unison. The two returned to their confrontation. 

"I see only one way to settle this," said Bart squinting.

"That is?"

"A drinking contest."

"Sounds good. Hope your ready to lose."

"I should be asking you that," replied Bart.

Stone Cold by now had risen to his feet and stepped between the two, like Norm and was confident that no one would try to do to him what they had done to Norm, "I'll ref…besides I haven't had a beer in damn near forever."

"You had a beer twenty minutes ago," interjected Aeris.

"To me that's damn near forever." He returned to Bart and Cid, "kitchen…let's go." The two nodded and left the room with the Texas Rattlesnake.

"So who's your pick?" asked Maria to no one in particular. The majority of the votes went to Bart who's drinking was legendary in any part of the world he visited.

"You're going with Cid?" asked Citan to Barret.

Barret who had engaged in several beer and shot contests (the shot contests being of whatever type of hard liquor happened to dominate the mansion at the moment in time. Usually Vodka.) Knew that Cid had an amazing tolerance level for a rapid aging man and that Bart's biggest mistake would be to underestimate him.

"Fuck! I can't believe I lost!" Bruce threw the Playstation 2 controller to the ground and stared at Cait Sith who had just bested Bruce for the 2nd time at _DOA 2_ which was the game of the month.

"Oh believe it my friend," grinned Cait. "Who's next?" no one volunteered. Cait made a cat-like whining sound, "No one?" once again he was ignored. "Well what about Gabe? Where's he? And where's Tifa?" Cait had not seen where Tifa and Gabe had gone. 

"Having sex with Tifa," replied Yuffie.

"Yuffie…" began Cloud, "shut up." He laughed at the very idea and took a sip of his drink.

"I'm serious! They're a couple now!"

"I'm afraid Yuffie is correct," said Vincent.

Cloud upon hearing Yuffie's statement echoed from someone he knew never lied to him about things like this nearly spat the contents of his drink out, this was news to him and to anyone else who had not been on the 7th heaven with them. "Since when?!"

"A couple of days ago."

"Wow…" muttered Barret, "Who would have thought?"

Aeris noticed Cait attempting to sneak off with a video camera in hand but reached out and yanked him towards her, "No you don't!"

"Come on Vinny," said Yuffie standing up. "Let's go someplace where WE can be alone."

"Sounds good," agreed Vincent taking Yuffie by the hand and pretty much leading her out with sinister intentions no doubt running through his mind.

"I still can't believe…Gabe…and Tifa," murmured Cloud.

"Yeah…pretty strange," agreed Fei. "Video games are getting a little on the boring side. Any movies?"

"Sure," replied Cloud.

"Let's watch-"

Every member of Avalanche cut Cait off at the past, "No porn Cait." Cait muttered a string of obscenities and didn't say a word for the remainder of the night. Content to sulk the entire evening. Gabe soon entered.

"Where's Tifa?" asked several at once some trying to be suggestive and failing miserably.

Gabe shrugged, "I think she went down to the 7th Heaven to get a drink."

"What's the drink for?" several of those in the room asked at once. A few less where trying for the suggestive route but it was still pitiful all around.

"To drink I would imagine. Or it could be for the hours and hours of kinky sex we're going to have. Jesus, you guys are so blatantly obvious."

"So?" came a unison reply.

"You people are so fucking immature," muttered Gabe storming out.

**__**

Elsewhere…

"He's here," announced Ryu (From Ninja Gaiden) stepping into Mario's makeshift office. Dr. Wily was in the office with him as well.

"Send him in then!" snapped Mario annoyed. 

Ryu nodded and walked to the door, "Come in here please."

"About fucking time," came a sharp tone. 

"Do you really think this is a good idea?" asked Wily quickly.

"Yes,"

"You the guy who called me?" Mario and Wily looked up and saw Alice Cooper walk in with Courtney Love hanging off his arm with a bottle of cheap whiskey dangling from her left hand.

"That would be me," said Mario standing up and shaking Alice's hand. "Welcome to my ship…I'm glad you could stop by."

"Sure…so let's just cut to the chase here."

"Yes, let's."

"What do you want me here for?"

"How would you like to help me destroy the people you hate the most?"

"REO Speedwagon?" 

"No…Avalanche."

"Oh…that's right. Yes…I sure as hell would. What do I have to do? Who does Courtney have to blow?"

"BB;JKLJFLKJS," babbled Courtney who burst out giggling then promptly went to sleep.

"Your…woman…doesn't have to blow anyone. This is free. No strings attached." 

"What is it?"

Dr. Wily smiled. Part of his explanation would be cold business and the other half would be the simple excitement that came from creating something as extraordinary as what he had created. "I have created a device…which allows whoever holds it to poesses the fan fic authors power?"

"The what?" Alice was beginning to believe that this was some kind of elaborate joke. He began to look around for a hidden camera of some kind.

"Fan fic authors power…it's a bit complex for someone like you to understand but in a nutshell, it's the greatest power one can have. It isn't limited to fan fiction…it really applies to anyone who writes. Most barely ever use it. Mr. Ricard is one of them."  


"So what the hell do you want me for? Seems like you guys could use it just as well I could."

"That's part of the point. We want to give this to someone who will use it to its fullest extent. We want these fools to be destroyed slowly…before we continue with our plans."

"Those being?"

Wily's nostrils flared slightly, "You don't need to concern yourself with that."

"I don't hmm"

Mario waved Wily off, "It's okay…he has every right to know I suppose. Our plans quite simply are complete domination of the video game industry."

"That's it?" Alice was trying though not very hard to avoid bursting out a fit of laughter.

"Pretty much…so, do you want this? I know for a fact that your getting on in your years and the chance at having some sort of power must be gnawing at you already. But before you answer keep this in mind, we will always be in control. Once we take the power from Ricard it is linked to this box," he held up the box to drive his point home before it was even finished. "This means a couple of things. First and most important, if anything happens to Mario or myself…the box will be destroyed and the force of the power leaving you will most likely kill you instantly." Alice nodded, this didn't surprise him much so there where no visible signs of anger or disappointment in his eyes. Mario saw this and thought that Alice was smarter then Mario at first believed.

"The second?" inquired Alice Cooper.

"The second…is that once we are done here…we'll be taking the authors power back. We'll leave you with some as reward for your assistance and I can promise it'll be more than enough to let you run things around here for the rest of your life…which could be several hundred more years if your lucky. So, with all this in mind what do you say?"

"I say…yes."

"Yes, yes, yes, yes," muttered Courtney trying to reach down to retrieve the bottle she had dropped a minute ago but being unable due to the grip Alice had on her arm.

"Wonderful," smiled Mario folding his arms.

"When do I start?"

"Right now…" Dr. Wily pressed a button on the box and put it on the table. "No in order for the power to be transferred to you, you need to say the phrase." 

"That would be?" Dr. Wily handed him a slip of paper. "This is what I have to say?"

"Yes."

Alice shrugged, "Okay…" he looked back down at the paper, "_Clerk Rats_ is now in the Kevin Smith section and should be read as soon as possible. Kinda cryptic."

"I know, I-"

The box began whirring quietly and remained that way for several minutes. Then, suddenly, without warning a white ghost-like shadow was seemingly sucked into the box. Alice as well as Mario and Wily watched in silence as the shadow then shot out of the box and into Alice's chest sending him hurling to the ground along with Courtney. The whirring noise stopped dead and the make shift office fell silent. After a moment, Alice rose to his feet his eyes seemed different and he almost looked younger. Mario and Wily knew right away the change had taken place.

"This feels…amazing," muttered Alice clenching his fist and holding it in the air then waving his fingers around as if he was running them through something. He may very well have been with the energy that was coursing through his veins.

"Now, you have a job to get to right?"

"Of course…give me a night to work an idea out?"

Mario was still in a hurry to kill them and move on, but he was too caught up in this power to care for the most part. He shrugged, "Sure…but I want to see results by tomorrow or the box goes off."

"Don't worry," assured Alice. "You will. Come on Courtney." Alice reached down and picked up Courtney Love who had not left the spot on the floor she had fallen and led her out of the room.

"I suppose all we do now is sit back and watch?"

Dr. Wily nodded, "Pretty much…"

"Oh well…I like a good show anyway." He yawned with the slightest tone. 

**__**

The next morning…

Cloud knew that even with the chaos of everything around him and the impending doom on the way he still needed to be mayor of the city. He stopped at the door to crack his neck and figure out what he would have for lunch that day before walking in. "Yo Linda wassup?!"

Linda sighed, "Mr. Stryfe, we've been over this. Just because I'm black doesn't mean you have to talk to me like that. You don't talk to Mr. Wallace like that."

"That's very true…so any messages?"

"Oh, I forgot to tell you. You're not the mayor anymore."

Oh, so wake me up when it's-WHAT?!?!?"

"Someone else has taken over. Terribly sorry we gave your stuff to the lesbian bar downtown. They loved your porno stash. Please leave before the hidden assassins kill you." Cloud could barely speak as he turned and walked out. Once out he was met by Gabe and all the others.

"You'll never believe what just happened to me," began Cloud.

"We where kicked out of the mansion," interrupted Gabe.

"WHAT?!?!?!?"

"Yeah…think Nintendo's behind it?" asked Jay.

"No…I think REO Speedwagon is behind it," said Cloud sarcastically.

"Me too…those bastards."

"That building looks like a bong," cackled Jay who was standing farther away from the group with Silent Bob. 

"So what are we going to do?" asked Fei.

"Whatever I want you to do!" came a familiar voice. Everyone looked up but only Avalanche, Stone Cold, and, Bruce Willis where shocked to see Alice Cooper standing on the roof of the building, he jumped down which was a good twenty stories and landed on his feet with unnerving swiftness. Everyone took a step back while Alice who by the observations of anyone who knew him looked younger and even stronger. "Who missed me?" he sneered.

"I did," came the growl of another familiar to most-but-not-all voice. Everyone looked back to see Rob Zombie emerge from the ground. "I've been waitin for you to show your sorry ass face again old man." Rob dusted himself off and walked in front of the group. 

"Have you?" asked Alice with overdone shock.

"I'm takin you down for good this time."

"Take the first shot then." Avalanche, _Xenogears,_ and the rest watched the confrontation without saying a word.

"I don't think so." Rob Zombie said this slowly and then said nothing.

Alice's expression remained unchanged as he smiled then lifted his hand into the air. A blue light surrounded Rob who soon found himself unable to move with an oppressive, crushing sensation overcoming him. "What the hell?!"

"I'm making the first…and only shot. He turned to Gabe, "Maybe you ought to use your authors power and save the Zombie in some way.

"I guess…if you say so." Gabe began to concentrate as if searching for something then suddenly stopped and it seemed like a horrible revelation of some kind had just come to him. "I-it's not there! I don't have it anymore!"

Alice let out a long, evil bad guy type laugh, "Of course you don't I have it now and with that you can consider you and everyone else's life OVER!" He returned his attention to Rob Zombie who was still in the same state that Alice had put him into only a few moments ago. "I'm going to start with you ROB…. Farewell." he walked over to him and extended his cattle prod pressing it into Rob's chest. Rob didn't utter a word but still exploded into several large pieces that had no blood or insides or any mess of any kind. Alice held the pieces in suspended animation then lifted them into the air and shot them off into every different possible direction. He looked at the group before him and have an arrogant smirk, "That takes care of Mr.Zombie. Now, I have no plans to kill you all…not yet at least. No I have some much more interesting methods of revenge for you. I noticed that there's some of you that I don't believe I've met before."

"Yeah," agreed Bart. "Can we go home?" Fei elbowed him in the stomach.

"For those of you who don't know me, my name is Alice Cooper and you're in the wrong place at the wrong time so you can just go along for the ride. For I promise my revenge will be neither swift nor entertaining!"  


"Hey!" interrupted Randal. "You stole that from Leonardo Leonardo!"

From the sudden look on Alice's face, it was obvious Randal was correct but Alice sure didn't want to admit it. "Of course not!"

"Did too."

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Did not."

"Did too."

"IT DOESN'T REALLY FUCKING MATTER DOES IT?! WHAT MATTERS IS I'M IN CHARGE AND YOU'RE ALL GOING VERY FAR AWAY! GOODBYE FOREVER!!!!" Alice brought his hands in the air and brought them down in one swift motion. The moment his hands came down, everyone disappeared in a flash of blue light. 

**__**

Let the fun begin…

"Man it's warm in here," Maria noticed.

"Yeah," agreed Gabe who was standing alongside Randal, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Aeris, Red XIII, and Maria. "Where are we?" he looked around. The place had a familiar charm to it but was still utterly foreign to him.

  
"We're in hell," said Red XIII with stoic blankness.

"Damn Red," remarked Stone Cold. "I know things are bad but we're not in hell yet."

"No. I mean we're literally in hell."

"No way," disagreed Randal. At that moment, they where greeted by Elton John. 

"Welcome to hell," he smiled after having caught everyone's attention.

"Oh my god!" cried Randal. "We ARE in hell!"

"Really…" muttered Red XIII shaking his head.

"Come with me," said Elton turning and walking towards a long hallway.

"Ew…Elton John said come," Gabe shook his head and followed everyone else down the hall. Soon, they came to a reception desk with Carrot Top behind it, "Hey Elt! What do we got here!" Carrot Top then promptly burst out laughing and didn't stop for several minutes.

"New faces is all."

"All righty…let's have a look see," Carrot Top looked over the group and having already known their names typed them into the computer. "Hmmm…it seems Mr. Ricard and Mr. Graves weren't due here until a single person liked REO Speedwagon…and that wasn't supposed to be until 2600. But, I don't see the rest of them he-oh wait!" he giggled. "Apparently someone called in advance and set up some rooms for them. So I guess everything checks out. Bake em away toys!" he burst out laughing again and pulled out a horn from seemingly thin air, honking it several time to add to his almost mythical annoying personality.

"Whatever," replied Elton leading the group through a door to a seemingly endless hallway of doors. He pulled out several sheets of paper and handed them to each one, "All these doors are numbered see? Just go to the door with your number on it. If you don't, the ground opens up and you will plummet into one of the pits. And trust me….and ask Clinton if you want but no one ever, ever wants the pit. Toodles." Elton turned and walked away, swaying his hips from side to side. After throwing up everyone despite wishes to do otherwise walked to each of their doors and stepped in.

"Hey…is this my old high school Sussex Central High School?" Gabe looked around with panic swelling in his throat. He didn't like the direction in which this was heading. He soon recognized the room as the one he had taken ART I in. This made him even more nervous because ART had been the worse class he ever took.

"Hey Gabe!"

"AHHHHHHH!!! Mr. Lundy! What the hell are you doing here!!"

"We're going to talk about Art for all eternity!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

"Oh my god…" mumbled Red darting around in every direction. "It's another hall of mirrors! I gotta get out!" Red began diving into every mirror he saw in an attempt to get out. To his horror however, they simply kept reforming,

"This doesn't seem too bad," observed Aeris. "All that's here is are big screen TV's everywhere," she realized she was walking on an odd surface and looked down, "The ground is too." The TV's soon flickered on and everywhere Aeris looked she saw the one person she hated more than anything…Martha Stewart.

"Hello! Today I'm going to steal more classic rock and roll songs to use for my mindless commercials and I'm going to suggest many nearly impossible things to do with household items like human DNA and frogs eggs! Then I'm going to dance naked!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

"Hey…we have the same room," observed Randal.

  
"Wonderful," uttered Maria.

"Would that imply we have the same worst fe-"

"Hey, there's a door," pointed Maria.

"Let's go in it."

Maria shrugged, "Fine…if it will get me away from you."

"Ouch." Randal and Maria walked to the door and opened it stepping inside but not noticing the sign at the top that said BURN WARD. By the time they realized it, it was too late to do anything for the door was locked.

"I ain't got a damn fear," exclaimed Stone Cold Steve Austin who meant it. As far as Stone Cold knew in his mind, he didn't have any fears. Except maybe the time he accidentally walked in on Mick Foley in the shower during the summer of 97.

"Hey Stone Cold!"

Austin's heart froze as it suddenly came to him. The one thing he was scared of more than anything in the world. He didn't want to turn around but after a moment did turn around to see Mikey Whipwreck looming in front of him. "Mikey! You little son of a bitch! How the hell are y-ah!" Austin was cut down when Mikey jabbed him in the jaw and grabbed his head, throwing him into the wall, busting him wide open. Stone Cold scrambled to his feet and swung at Mikey who kicked him the stomach, bodyslammed him and proceeded to stomp the life out of him.

**__**

Somewhere else…

"I wasn't even suppose to-"

"Be here today?" asked Vincent.

"Yeah." Dante folded his arms and yawned. 

"This is sweet," remarked Jay. "We're in a desert! Familiar one too, huh Silent Bob?" Silent Bob lit himself a cigarette and nodded taking a drag.

"This looks like the desert from _Planet of the Apes_," remarked Bart.

"I agree," answered Billy.

"That's new."

"Fuck you Bart. I'm trying to be nice."

"I don't fuck guys," replied Bart. "If that's your thing…that's OKAY with me. Just don't involve me."

Billy spun his gun around in his hand and aimed it Bart, "One day I'm going to blow your fucking head off. I swear. You'll be sitting there…being an obnoxious asshole and just generally bringing down the quality of life for everyone near you and, BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Your stupid head will be in several small unrecognizable chunks on the other side of the room and I will be declared a hero for saving the world from having to hear ONE MORE MORNONIC GODDAMN UNINTELLIGABLE SENTENCE BE UTTERED FROM YOUR STUPID MOUTH!"

Bart stared at Billy blankly, "Goddamn? I thought you where religious…"

"THAT'S IT!" Billy was about to pull the trigger when the gun was shot out of his hand, startling him. The group turned around and saw a group of apes coming towards them on horses. 

"Oh my god…" muttered Dante. "This is the Planet of the Apes."

"I don't like the direction this may head in," agreed Vincent. 

"All of you don't move!" barked the ape who rode ahead of the others. "You're on ape land!"

"We are?" asked Jay. 

"Of course! And because of this you can be assured that your punishment will be swift and severe!"

"We need to get their names," reminded an ape standing near the apparent leader of the group.

"What? Why?"

"Orders from that moron Dr. Zaiuss."

"Fine. Fine. Fine. Okay let's get your names before we take you in for medical experiments."

"Dante Hicks."

"Bart."

"Billy Lee Black."

"Vincent Valentine."

"Jay."

The leader ape simply grunted and then turned to Silent Bob who said nothing, "What about you pudgy?" Silent Bob gave no reply. Only taking another drag of his cigarette.

"He don't talk," interjected Jay.

The leader ape suddenly gasped, "He doesn't?"

"Nope."

"I can't believe it! It's him it's really him!"  


"Who?" asked another of the apes.

"The hairless, non-speaking ape-god!"

"The what?"

"The hairless, non-speaking ape-god! Our books speak of him constantly!"

"They do?"

"Of course…. THIS is as close as we will ever get…to a god! We must take him to the city! To meet Dr. Zaiuss!"  


"But-"

"Now!"

"Okay, okay…man." The ape shook his head and ordered for them to be cuffed.

**__**

Elsewhere…

"The Death Star…we're on the fucking Death Star!" Bruce shook his head and turned to blast away a couple more Stormtroopers. This seemed futile as they seemed to never stop reemerging to chase himself, Fei, Norm, and Citan down one of the many corridors of the space station. 

"Why the hell are we running?" growled Rico. "We can take these guys."

"There's a few dozen, dozen, dozen Stormtroopers back there with guns that can turn solid rock to dust," answered Fei. "Care to head over and give it a shot?" Rico said nothing and continued to run. They stopped as the other end of the corridor was filled with Stormtroopers.

"Guess we have no choice now," observed Norm who had spent the last few hours trying everything in his power not to piss his pants or faint.

**__**

And even further elsewhere…

"I wish Aeris was here…" Cloud sighed.

"Chuuuuuu!!!"

"Shut the hell up."

"This place is too damn creepy," observed Cait Sith.

"I agree," replied Yuffie. Emeralda said nothing.

"So, what can we do for you?" 

Cloud rolled his eyes. He couldn't believe they had wound up in Munchkin Land of all the places for them to appear in. He turned to who he believed was the mayor of Munchkin Land. "NO! GO AWAY!"

"Okaly Dokaly!" the supposed mayor smiled and stepped away.

"I say we just try and get the fuck out of here. Anyone else for that?"

"Sounds good," agreed Cait.

"Grand," Cloud was about to leave when he stopped on the realization that Yuffie was not among them. "Where's Yuffie?"

"THAT BITCH! THAT THIEVING BITCH STOLE MY WALLET!"

"Found her!" announced Cait Sith pointing near a house where Yuffie was trying to escape from a group munchkins with a wallet in hand.

"The penalty for stealing is death!" cried one munchkin when they surrounded Yuffie.

"DEATH! DEATH! DEATH!" they all picked up stones and advanced closer and closer to Yuffie.

"Should we bail her out?" asked Cait.

"I…guess. I wanted to kill some munchkins again anyway." Cloud drew his sword and charged in along with the others. He planned to make Yuffie pay for this later.

**__**

The fun continues…elsewhere! 

"Still think Racoon City looks like a cool place Barret? Do you?" 

"Shut up Tifa! How was I supposed to know!" Barret took out a small cluster of zombies with a Big Shot and turned to gun down several more. He wasn't expecting as many as there was and would have been overtaken had Rico not charged in and tore them all apart. Barret was rather impressed.

Tifa spun around and kicked another zombies head off. She looked around the ruined buildings but all she really saw other then that where several groups of zombies. She hoped she would be able to make it to a high place but she didn't know how much longer the three of them could hold out.

**__**

Lets head back to Mario and the gang…

"You like?" asked Alice Cooper sitting in a chair with Courtney Love sitting in his lap and kissing his neck. Alice was sitting across from Mario and the three of them where sitting across from a series of TV's each showing them the development of where and what the heroes were doing.

Mario smiled, "I like…I like very, very much." Mario didn't say anything else. Only nodding and at one point closing his eyes and shaking slightly with laughter. 

Victory was inevitable.

End.

That's it for part five. I'm doing my best to get these done at a rapid fire pace without sacrificing things like the story and the humor. As always, let me know what you think and keep an eye out for the continuation of the Nintendo Strikes Back saga and a vampire novel I'm working on with my friend Lotuss Tears. Once again, thanks for giving my lame shit some time and be sure to review and give me an opinion.

**__**


	6. Pain! Suffering! TORTCHA! Will our heroe...

Final Fantasy 7-#16-Pain

Final Fantasy 7-#16-Pain! Suffering! TORTCHA! Will our heroes ever escape? Do you care?

Part six in the Nintendo Strikes Back saga

Written by Gabe Ricard

Disclaimer: I own Gabe and…a porno mag with nude beach pics of Elizabeth Hurley so don't sue…or steal my mag…BUY YOUR OWN! YOU HEAR ME?! BUY YOUR OWN!

Nintendo Strikes Back continues…I'm hoping that despite the fact this is a good 6000 pages into the FF7 section that it's being read and enjoyed. As I said before I'm trying to get through this entire thing within the summer. I was hoping this intro would go somewhere but in all honesty I'm going to stop babbling to read something much funnier then this. No, it's not an STD pamphlet it's _Mike Nelson's Movie Megacheese_ which makes this series look like well…an STD pamphlet. But a glossy one damn it! With pictures and whatnot! And- I think I'll just salvage what dignity I was pretending to have and just get on with it.

Cid moved his Venus Gospel back and forth in his hands while at the same time wishing he hadn't run out of cigarettes and also having a strong desire to figure out where the hell he was. Actually that was a little unfair. He knew he was in some boiler room but that was about it. The distinct sound of nails being dragged along something suddenly pierced his surroundings. Cid turned around to where he heard the sound but saw nothing. Laughter from what seemed like nowhere began taunting him. Unlike the previous sound of nails this did seem closer and Cid turned around once again but this time there was someone standing in front of him. His face looked to be horribly burned and he wore a red and green sweater, black pants and a dirty old hat you'd find -on a drunk in an ally placed firmly on his head. It took Cid a rough six seconds to recognize who it was, Freddy Krueger. Cid knew right away he was in for a fight. That was okay. Cid had seen all his movies and thought he was a pussy anyway. He also recalled the story Aeris had told him when herself and Cloud met Freddy who had exploded upon seeing Cloud in the nude.

"I was kinda hoping for a busty teenage girl in a tight sweater," sneered Freddy clicking his finger knives at his side. 

"Want me to get a sweater and give it a shot?" asked Cid. The former pilot was ready to attack at any moment.

"That's all right. I still could use a little exercise." 

"Is this some sort of gay thing?"

"No…"

"You're sure?"

"Y…es."

"Just checkin."

"Anyway, What's say you let me tear your throat out old man?"

"Old man?" Cid's eyes twitched.

Freddy cackled, "Did I strike a nerve? I'm sorry."

"I'm gonna strike something in a minute, you burnt son of a bitch." Freddy raised is hands in a 'come on' fashion and stood back. Cid took the cue and went for the offensive.

**__**

Back in hell…

"Guess what Gabe!"

`"I don't fucking care Lundy. I know what you're going to say and I don't want to hear it for the 78th time!"

"Come on, guess what!"  
  
"WHAT?!"

"You're…the Weakest Link!"

  
Gabe, who had anticipated hearing that phrase yet again sighed, "Okay Mr. Lundy…I'm the Weakest Link."

"That's right. Now, let's get into my six hour lecture on the color wheel!" Gabe looked over to the door and sighed again. He had tried to escape earlier but found the door lead right back to the art room and Mr. Lundy. Gabe hoped death would be swift for him.

"We got out!" cried Randal running out of a room with Maria close behind. "I thought it would never end!"

"Thank…GOD…." Agreed Maria. "Let's get out of here. There's a door." The young girl was about to walk through it without a second thought but was stopped by Randal.

"Wait. Let's see where this goes." Randal looked up at the sign on the door and when he saw that it read _Exit_ breathed relief and opened the door, walking in alongside Maria. The moment they closed the door the _Exit _sticker peeled off and the real door sign could be seen. It read in simple, bold, black letters THE OTHER BURN WARD.

"No…" Aeris closed her eyes and covered her eyes. "Martha Stewart's…breasts…so…abnormal looking!"`

The Martha that could be seen on the countless TV screens that dominated the room suddenly ceased her nude dancing and put her hands on her hips, pretending to look thoughtful. "Hmmm…how many classic rock and roll songs have I stole and put to my stupid commercials so far?" she thought out loud.

"Too…many," whimpered Aeris.

"Now…we're going to make…a TOWEL RACK!"

"AHHHH KILL ME NOW!!!"

Red XIII burst through another set of mirrors and felt confident that he had finally made his way through this horrible, endless maze of mirrors. Upon reaching the other side however, he found all that awaited him was another row of mirrors that seemed to go on forever. Nanaki gave a slight whining noise and took a few steps back ready to give it one more try. When he attempted to charge through, he made it through one mirror and fell through the other as if it where liquid. Red felt himself falling and it made him feel like it would never end. _I don't care if I do fall forever,_ thought Red who was starting to enjoy the feeling that went with this. _Just as long as I never see another-_ Red's falling at last came to an end as he crashed to the ground. He leapt to his feet and looked around, seeing only an endless circle of mirrors, "Mirrors."

"Mikey please! I-I can't take any damn more!" Austin once again made a futile effort to open the door out but it was still locked. Steve turned around to meet Mikey's fist which hammered Stone Cold's face four times then grabbed his throat and threw him across the room. Steve cursed himself for not realizing he would have had to deal with this since he was in hell. With the knowledge that his pain was far from over, Steve forced himself to his feet and once again went for the offensive on the evil Mikey Whipwreck.

**__**

Elsewhere…on the Plant of the Apes

"Well Dr. Zaiuss? Is he the hairless, non speaking monkey god?"

Dr. Zaiuss looked up from Silent Bob and gave a look that suggested that maybe, just maybe their guess was incorrect. "You morons! If this…this…man is a god THEN I'M REGIS PHILBIN!!"

"Woah. Really?" asked one ape who was ignored and later killed.

"So should we just kill them?"

"No…I have an experiment I'd like to try." He turned to face Jay, Silent Bob, Dante, Vincent, Billy, and Bart. "I only need four of them though. Those four will do." He pointed to Bart, Dante, Billy, and Vincent.

"What's the experiment?" asked Billy.

"Maybe it's to make you sound like a man," suggested Bart. Billy was about to respond but was cut down by Dr. Zaiuss, "Are any of you familiar with _Mystery Science Theater 3000_?"

"Mystery what?" asked Jay.

"Sounds stupid," said Bart who had a general distaste for Science Fiction in general. Except that sexy bitch from _Lexx_.

"In any event…the idea of this show is about a guy and some robots who watch bad movies and make fun of them. Meanwhile, mad scientists monitor how they react, We're going to do the same. We also have a theater just like they do so off you go!" he turned his attention to Jay and Silent Bob, "You two can ALSO be a part of an experiment."

"Sweet! What's the experiment?"

"We're going to test the human male sexual endurance with both male and female gorillas. Have fun." Two apes appeared and dragged Jay (who did not seem all to upset about it) and Silent Bob (who merely shook his head and sighed) away. The others were led down a long hallway and into a theater.

"If you try to escape you'll die instantly understand?" warned one of the apes.

"Sure."

"Okay…once you're in the movie will begin in five seconds now go!" The two apes shoved the four into the theater and stood back shutting the doors.

(Movie begins in five…four…three…two…one)

(Authors note: this refers to one of those making fun of the fan fic.)

Dante: So all we do to keep our sanity from this is to make fun of it.

Vincent: In a nutshell yeah. I've seen this show before so don't worry

Billy: Probably isn't all that bad

Bart: Say's you.

Billy: Bart…shut the-

Vincent: Let's just get through this

The Elevator

__

Dante: The thrilling sequel to The Stairwell!

Written by Gabe Ricard

__

Vincent: Hey, Gabe wrote this so we should be in hands

Bart: I have a feeling otherwise

"Yea…Chris? It's Rick…Yeah I got stuck here at work a little longer then usual. Sorry man"

__

Vincent: I can't believe they expect you to work an stuff here man!

Rick held the phone between his ear and shoulder and glanced at his watch.

__

Bart: Then he realized the marking on his arm was cancer and not a watch

"No no, don't worry we'll make the concert.

__

Bart: Even if I have to kill every god damn-sorry Chris

Yeah It's gonna be pretty sweet. This is gonna be Karen's first real concert eh? Of course I'm not counting that Backstreet Boys/Brittany Spears shit she went to over the summer.

__

Billy: Look, he slammed Brittany Spears and the Backstreet Boys…no on EVER does that

Dante: I've never seen it before

Able to get any more time with her? Well that sucks…this is why I'll never get married." 

__

Vincent: That and the fact that I couldn't get a woman if I had a hundred-dollar bill hanging out of my zipper

Billy: Sounds like you Bart

Bart: Eat shit and die Billy

He glanced at his watch again.

__

Dante: This guy sure likes to glance

" I gotta get going if I wanna have enough time to pick you both up an make it to the arena in decent time. I'm telling ya we should have just reserved the damn things but ohhhhhhh no you said you-Yea, yea"

__

Billy: I'm a moron I know

He laughed "See you in an hour." 

__

Bart: The Witching hour! Bwahahahahahah!!

Dante: What the hell does that mean?

Bart: (shrugs)

He hung the phone and yawned walking over to the nearest elevator.

__

Vincent: Which was four buildings down

Rick stood in front of the elevator and sighed muttering the _Alice Cooper _song _Poison _as he waited for the elevator with a mixture of anxiousness and annoyance.

__

Vincent: Known as anxinoyance!

"I should just take the god damn stairs…

__

Billy: If God's dammed the stairs he might now want to take them

I'd get to the first floor a hell of a lot faste-" Rick's words where cut short as the elevator door finally opened and Rick was about to get on but stopped at the person in front of him.

__

Bart: A real writer!

Billy: I don't think you'll find one of those near this story

She had to be at least 15 with a sleazy crack-whore gothic look to her that Rick had always found oddly attractive

__

Dante: Rick also had Dilbert/Wally slash fantasies so that should say something about the things Rick found attractive.

but felt it was one of those attractions that all people have but never act on or address as he did.

__

Billy: Wait, wait, wait go back to the last sentence

Vincent: I don't think we can do that. Why do you want to go back?

Billy: I need to read over that last sentence. It didn't make any sense!

Dante: A poorly written confusing sentence? In THIS story?

Billy: I know, I know…I'm being ridiculous

"Are you gonna get on the fucking elevator or what kid?" Rick looked to his right and saw a man at least ten years older then him wearing an Austin 3:16 shirt and faded blue jeans.

__

Bart: Sadly this was the highlight of Rick's meeting with the southern gym teacher

"Sorry." Apologized Rick quickly getting on and standing on the East End of the elevator a couple feet away from the girl.

__

Bart: So his leering would at least be from a distance

"What floor?" asked the man who still kept a scowl on his face reaching for the control.

__

Dante: Keep a scowl? How the hell do you keep a scowl?

"First."

__

Billy: Well at least we know Rick can count

Vincent: Lucky guess

The man stopped and stood back and Rick realized that must be the floor he was getting off as well.

__

Vincent: Rick's an observant one isn't he?

He realized he was on the 25th floor and groaned silently realizing it would be a couple minutes.

__

Vincent: Oh no! With this two-minute delay to his car will our hero make the concert in time?

Billy: Do we care?

Dante: I don't

Bart: Me neither

As he rubbed his temples he looked out of the corner of his left eye at the girl and turned cold as he saw her smiling at him. He was immediately taken by her missing tooth and shuddered to himself.

Bart: (as Rick) Mom?

"You're cute," she said "What's your name?"

__

Dante: Micke- I mean Rick

"Rick," he replied feeling slightly uneasy as it looked like she was getting closer to him. 

__

Bart: Hey, maybe she's going to kill him and save us from having to read the rest of this!

Dante: How would that save us exactly? The story could go on without Rick

Bart: Shut up Dante

It looked like she was going to say something else when the elevator jerked to a halt and panic terrorized Rick's heart for a split minute before looking around and groaned again this time out loud. He didn't know exactly what had just happened but he had a pretty good idea.

__

Dante: These new AI elevators just aren't going to make it.

Bart: Then again, they might be trying to save us from this story

Dante: God I hope so

"We're gonna be here awhile," commented the man crossing his arms and closing his eyes resting his head on the wall.

__

Vincent: My god! This story is filled with so many bright insightful people!

Bart: Just your usual stables of characters created by Gabe

"Sounds good to me," grinned the girl resuming her slow walk towards Rick.

__

Dante: They're sure building up her four foot walk to Rick

"So um..what's your…name?" asked Rick.

__

Billy: I'm Charlie Sheen's daughter!

"Daffney," she replied an errie grin on her face as she was now a good two feet away from Rick who had slowly backed into the elevator. "I'm 15 by the way."

__

Vincent: Really? Cause I thought you where twelve

"But I never ask-"

__

Vincent: What?

"That's okay, I could tell you where wondering. You fucking anybody?"

__

Dante: Well…there's JuicyLucy134 in the singles room at Chatropolis

Rick was a bit taken back more by the way it had easily come out of her mouth then what she had actually said. "Not at the moment," he replied trying as hard as he could to be casual.

__

Billy: I have a feeling "not at the moment" is the same as "never"

"Wanna?"

"Are you a hooker?" asked Rick finally. 

__

Bart: Cause I only like to sleep with underage girls that are certified prostitutes

Daffney laughed with an endless sort of voice.

Vincent: "Endless sort of voice" what the hell does that mean?!

Dante: How about we just stop questioning all the poorly written sentences in this story

Billy: Yeah, it isn't healthy. Besides, we'd be here a lot longer if we did

Vincent: Okay… 

"Nope." Before Rick could say another word Daffney had cornered him and planted a long deep kiss on him.

__

Bart: Then stabbed him in the chest with one of her missing teeth

Rick simply took the kiss like a deer in headlights unable to get from under her grip.

__

Vincent: You know, it really speaks volumes about a man who can't break the grip of a 15 year old prostitute

Billy: Maybe, she's one of those Canadian prostitutes

Vincent: Hey maybe.

"What the fuck are you doing to my girl you fucking prick?!?!"

__

Bart: Look the stories going to take a turn!

Billy: For the crappy

Rick's eyes burst open and Daffney jumped back her errie smile never leaving her face.

__

Dante: The eerie smile eventually decided to take up permanent residence 

Rick looked over to the corner where the man who had been standing in the corner with his quiet demeanor now had a face that was even more frightening then Dafnneys.

__

Vincent: He's probably just missing more teeth

His eyes where wild and his face contorted in a bizarre mix of anger and insanity.

__

Dante: Known as angsanity!

Bart: You're just full of those things aren't you

Dante: Working at a convenience store for eight years you make up games like this

Rick didn't know what to say, "What? I didn'-"

__

Billy: Must be kind of annoying to get cut off like that so much

Before Rick could finish whatever reasoning he could the man almost teleported to the other side of the elevator clutching Rick's head in his deceptively large hands and slammed his head against the wall.

__

Bart: (yelling) ITS TOO LATE BIG STUPID MAN! I DON'T THINK HE HAS ANY BRAIN CELLS LEFT TO KILL!

"Shut the fuck up!!"

__

Vincent: You're making my brain hurt with all your ten-dollar words!

Rick slumped to the ground and clutched his head with both hands. He tried to move away from the man but was kicked under his chin before he could get out of reach. 

__

Dante: At least he knows how to circumcise gay rednecks

Daffney jumped up and down giggling like a demented child.

__

Billy: I'll bet that's a huge stretch for her

Rick could feel blood forming in his mouth and felt like he was in _Natural Born Killers_.

__

Bart: Or at least his old high school

"What a pretty kick Matthew."

__

Dante: Kicks do have a "pretty" quality to them don't they

Bart: I think you've been in this theater a bit too long 

Matthew wound back and knocked Daffney into the wall then stalked over to her and planted a deep kiss on her face and grinned "Thanks baby." Matthew let go of her head and turned back to Rick while Daffney rolled over giggling.

__

Vincent: Daffney sure likes giggling doesn't she?

"So you wanna fuck my Daffney huh?"

__

Bart: Do you think he likes to use the word fuck a lot?

Billy: I haven't really noticed

Dante: Me neither

Vincent: I haven't

Rick tried to shake his head, "I-"

__

Bart: Look he's going to be cut off AGAIN

"Answer the fucking question, DO YOU WANT TO FUCK MY DAFFNEY?"

__

Vincent: That's right yell, he probably didn't hear you the first time

"No, I've never wanted to touch her."

__

Billy: I just wanted to stare at her and pretend I'm touching her!

For a brief moment Matthew's face resumed a completely calm state but within that instant the face returned to its original form and Matthew grabbed Rick by the collar and threw him into the wall.

_Dante: Which devoured him instantly!_

Rick's hand was now stained with blood from holding it over his mouth and he finally managed to stand up. However he wished he hadn't as Matthew pulled out a gun and at that moment Rick thought he was going to die.

__

Bart: Matthew might just become my new hero.

Vincent: Hey…mine too

"I see…So my Daffy-girl isn't good enough for you! Not enough fucking teeth in her head is that it motherfucker?!?!"

__

Billy: Look, he's trying to psyche him out

Dante: That'll take a good five seconds

"Why are you doing this?" mumbled Rick loudly.

__

Dante: Looks like Rick's asking the tough questions now

"Shut the hell up!" screamed Matthew still aiming the gun at his head.

__

Bart: For a crazy guy he sure likes to hold off on shooting people

"There's probably people near us! Shit there's probably someone working on this elevator!"

__

Billy: Even though I haven't heard a thing!

"I said shut your mouth!" screamed Matthew again Daffney standing behind him still giggling showing off her missing teeth. 

__

Vincent: Seems like Gabe has a thing for teeth.

Rick's mind raced with what to do next and before he or Matthew could do anything the elevator door opened and everyone looked to the door to see a slightly overweight, simple looking repair technician.

__

Dante: He could have just said repair technician and we would have known all that other stuff

"You folks oka-Hey!"

__

Vincent: She has no teeth!

The man cried out as Rick shoved him away and bolted down the seemingly endless hallway never stopping until he was well down 95.

__

Dante: Heading for 96

End.

__

Bart: It can't end! There's still so many questions to answer!

Billy: Yeah, like weather or not Rick made the Alice Cooper concert

Vincent: Or what happened to the unsung hero of the story, the repair technician

Dante: Or whether or not Daffney and Matthew collect their welfare checks

Hope everyone enjoyed this. It's kinda of a rip off to NBK

__

Dante: Really? I hadn't noticed

but I thought it was decent enough. The whole exercise was to write about some people in an elevator so I kinda decided to try something different.

__

Billy: I've decided after reading this that "different" is just another word for "crappy"

The _Empire_ fic is coming along very very slowly but it's coming along.

__

Bart: Whether it likes it or not!

It will be a very long time before I finish it to the point where I feel it's well written and faithful to the movie.

__

Vincent: Well, if that's true he could just not write it

While I'm working on the _Empire_ fic I'll be doing more exercises.

__

Bart: Gotta get down to 150

Another wrestling list and my next thing the ninth FF7 fan fic which hopefully will be the best yet.

__

Vincent: What the hell is an FF7 fan fic?

And will give a little hint as to the huge epic saga that's about to dominate the next ten or s fics.

__

Dante: I just hope it doesn't involve an angry video game empire

Bart: Yeah, that'd be really stupid

Thanks a lot for reading and let me know what you think as feedback is always very much desired on my original works.

__

Billy: Gabe must be a glutton for punishment

One more thing a quick thanks to someone who took the time to read all my original stuff and review it. Check out the signed review on Bank Heist to see who I'm talking about and check out her great Alice Cooper song parody on my favorite Cooper song

__

Dante: The one about alcoholism! Oh wait that's all of them

_He's Back(The man behind the mask)._

Bart: (singing) And he's after your soul!

(All exit the theater)

"Wow…that was pretty bad," remarked Dante as they where led out of the theater by the ape guards. Everyone agreed in unison. They soon found themselves back in the room they had been in earlier where Dr. Zaiuss was awaiting them. 

"Excellent! I should get some good information from this," he paused for a long spell of evil laughter.

"Hey that's a pretty good laugh," Bart said.

"Thank you. I've been practicing." A moment later another ape came in carrying the barely awake Jay and Silent Bob who's clothes were torn up and had delirious looks on their faces.

"You guys okay?" inquired Dante. Neither replied in a remotely coherent matter.

"So I guess we're going to just rot in a cell now?" asked Billy with a hint of desperate hope in his tone.

"Hell no. We're going to continue the experiment! We're going to switch you all around a bit and send two more of you off to take Jay and Silly Bob's place with the experiment they had been participating in." He looked them over, "How about…" he put his hand on his chin for the sole purpose of making it look like he was deep in thought. "You," he pointed to Bart then to Dante, "And you. Guards, take them away," the remaining apes in the room nodded and dragged Dante and Bart out. "As for the rest of you…are any of you familiar with the works of a Mr. Roger Corman?"

"Uh-oh."

**__**

Should we check in on Racoon City? Of course we should!

"We made it!" exclaimed Tifa her entire body aching as she stared down at the zombie filled streets from the skyscraper they had escaped onto.

"Thank god," agreed Rico who also had come to a point during the battle where he didn't know how much longer he would hold up.

Tifa looked behind her to see how Barret was holding up and saw him sitting over the edge of the building looking forlorn. Tifa knew Barret wasn't one to act like this without good reason. Well there was that time a few years back he used it as an excuse to come onto her but she didn't think that was currently the case. She took a deep breath and walked over to where her old friend was sitting and took a seat next to him, "Something on your mind?"

"I'm worried about Marlene," Barret said simply.

"Shera's with her remember?

"Yeah…but if that bastard Alice gets her…I don't know what I'd do."

"Well don't worry…we'll get back. I'm not sure how but we will."

"I know…so where do we go from here?"

"I wish I knew. For the time being we should stay here." Barret gave no answer only nodding as the two stared out into the night while Rico continued to stare down at the zombies roaming the streets.

**__**

Onto the Deathstar!

"I can't believe we killed every single stormtrooper! cried Norm.

"Me neither," muttered Bruce kicking one carcass away. "Are we gonna go through this ominous door in front of us?"

"Sounds good to me," said Fei who always loved to walk through evil looking ominous doors with certain death behind it. Bruce shrugged and was about to open the door but to his surprise it opened on it's own. Fei, Bruce, Norm, and Citan walked through and came to a large room that looked like a cross between a boiler room and a throne room. 

"Well, you've made it. Good." The group took a few steps farther and saw Darth Vader emerge from the darkness. "Now one of you must battle me to the death!"

"Why?"

"Well…we've got nothing better to do so we sit here and wait for people to kill their way through a few thousand stormtroopers then come to me and die horribly. It's basically a time killer between movies. Now on with the duel! First you!" he threw a lightsaber to Norm who promptly threw it down and ran hiding a few feet away. "Okay…then you!" he threw another lightsaber to Bruce Willis then produced one of his own. "Let the battle begin! Now you will die."

"We'll see Vader."

**__**

Nearby (Well not really) in the boiler room of Freddy Krueger.

Freddy ducked under Cid's attack and drove his finger knives into his chest. He felt Cid's body seize up and knew he had the pilot. He pulled the knives out and kicked Cid into the bars that was the only thing between where they were and a forty-story drop into a sure death. "Motherfucker," growled Cid. He began to feel dizzy but shook his head and thought he had a chance if Freddy was stupid enough to underestimate him at this juncture.

"I should really consider a switch to killing the elderly," mused Freddy. "They're much easier to kill than teenagers. Let's see what your soul looks like." Freddy raised his gloved hand and ran at Cid thinking he'd be too weak to do anything. This proved to be a mistake as Cid suddenly came to life, clutched the Venus Gospel, and drove it into Freddy's chest then pulling him off and depositing him off the edge. Freddy slid off the spear and fell from view in moments. Wishing he had a potion, Cid slumped down and lit a cigarette. He didn't mind not having a potion. He'd hold out for a few more hours.

**__**

Munchkinland…

"Who would have thought we'd be overtaken by Munchkins?" mused Yuffie.

"Yuffie…" began Cloud. "If you say one more fucking word, I will kill you."

"How? You're tied up."

Cloud felt like saying "Thank you captain obvious," but decided there was no point. Himself, Cait, Yuffie, and Emeralda had gotten beaten severely by the munchkins and where now being led to a giant pot that had been set up in the middle of town. Cloud saw the water in the pot boiling and had a fairly good idea what was coming. The munchkins leading them towards the pot stopped and Cloud saw that the surviving munchkins, all but the two Cloud had managed to take down where gathered in the center of the town.

The mayor approached them and smiled. "You have committed many crimes here today!"

"Murder, death, kill. Murder, death, kill." Came a chorus from the throngs.

"And for this…you will be boiled alive and served in burger form!"

"Wonderful!" murmured Cloud shaking his head.

"But first…six hours of singing."

"In that case, can we just skip to the pot?" asked Cait.

"No…" replied the mayor before bursting into song with the other munchkins.

"Are we…in hell?" asked Emeralda turning to Cloud.

"Yes," Cloud took a long look at the boiling pot and that point was having a hard time envisioning the pot would cause more pain then what was going on right now.

**__**

Tired of these headers? Me too…

"Ha ha ha! You're pathetic!" Darth swung at Bruce who blocked and tried to jump back and make an offensive move of his own but, Darth Vader was simply too fast and knocked brought the lightsaber down on Bruce's hand, taking it clean off. Bruce cried out in the moment of intense pain and fell against the wall. His remaining hand clutching the lightsaber. Vader laughed again, "God I love doing that!"

"Ten bucks says he goes down," whispered Norm who had come out of hiding to Fei and Citan.

"You're on," answered Fei.

"I just thought of something."

"What Citan?"

"Why are we standing here?"

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"Why are we simply watching? There's no one to stop us from helping Bruce Willis."

"Hey that's a pretty good point. Let's go kick the fuckers ass."

"I'll wait here," said Norm.

"No surprise there," Fei whispered under his breath walking over to Vader with Citan pulling out Yamane. Vader sensed they where coming and turned around but it was too late as Fei figuratively kicked the living shit out of him while Citan cut his arms off then stood back as Fei dropkicked him into the wall. Bruce was on his feet and walked over to Vader who looked up Bruce.

"You can't kill me! I'm the lord of the Sith! I am a Jedi!"

Bruce raised his light saber, "Yippy-Ki-Yay Motherfucker," before Vader could say another word, Bruce brought the lightsaber down on his slicing his head in half.

"Damn Bruce, we need to get someone to look at that hand."

Bruce looked down at the hand and sighed, "We could do that. Or, we could go for a refreshing _Mikes Hard Lemonade_."

"I like that more," grinned Norm.

Fei shrugged, "Whatever." And the four made there out of the room to search for some.

**__**

Last header for this fic…I swear

"This is the place all right," thought Tosha. "I'd recognize this place anywhere." Standing at the beginning of New Nibelheim. She brushed back some of her freshly dyed blue hair that the dusk wind was constantly blowing in her face and looked up for the fourth time at the Nintendo ships. She wished she had gotten here sooner. But Gabe who hadn't changed much in the four years she had known him gave her poor directions when he invited her to visit several months ago (She did not come at the time due to simply not feeling like making the trip). She felt in the pockets of her long black trench coat and felt the cube Gabe had given her several months ago. At the time she didn't think it would ever come to any use. But here she was. She took yet another look at the Nintendo ship before making her way into the city. She didn't have much time.

End.

Well what did you think? I had a lot of fun tearing apart one of my own stories in an MST3K tribute. The reason I chose one of my own works and not someone else's besides laziness and ego was because I remembered when I was writing for Writercise and wrote several original works all of which can be found here. One such assignment was _The Elevator_ which was an assignment in which we had to write about something taking place in…you guessed it, an elevator. At the time I was pleased (At the time I was also a Kid Rock fan which should suggest something) with it. But, it had also caused a bit of controversy as one person called in pornography and a bunch of people jumped down that persons throat causing a long and very stupid debate on freedom of speech, what's acceptable and what's not and so on. Looking back I read through it and couldn't believe I had ever considered it a decent story. The only way I could truly feel better about it was to make fun of it and this was the result. My ramblings done for now, so I'll shut up by saying thanks for reading and lemme know how the series is coming along and watch for part seven.


	7. Turn tables turn! turn!

Final Fantasy 7-#17

Turn tables turn! Turn!

Part seven in the Nintendo Strikes Back Saga

Written by Gabe Ricard

Disclaimer: While I may wish otherwise the only character I own is my blatant tribute to Mary Sue…Gabe so don't sue me.

Something to note here is that this particular FF7 story is probably the shortest one I'll ever write. My original intention was to just lump this in with part six or even part eight but decided that after all the 5000 word plus episodes that have been published thus far a short part to move the plot along faster was in order. Anyway, sit back and enjoy.

"THIS…is entertainment!" Mario stuffed some popcorn in his mouth and continued to watch the varied screens that depicted the fates of all the heroes with Dr. Wily standing at his side also watching. He turned to Alice Cooper, "But still…I worry a bit. It seems like some of them are managing to escape from the predicaments you set for them."

Alice shrugged, "Don't worry. They're all going to be relocated in about," he looked down at his watch, "Twenty minutes."

"You thought of everything didn't you?" Mario chuckled. This had turned out to be far more enjoyable then simply wiping them all out.

"Everything. So, what's next for you once they're dead?"

"Well…we're going to destroy the rest of Playstations cornerstones and once that's done we may move on to Microsoft and Sega. We don't really see either of them as a threat."

"So, I guess it's pretty much smooth sailing for you then?"

"Pretty much,"

"Not quite freakmunkey."

"What the hell?" Mario and Alice both looked to the door to see Tosha standing in the doorway. 

"Who the fuck are you?" demanded Alice.

"Names Tosha."

"How did you get past security?" asked Mario.

"That's not important. What is important is that your fun ends here and now." For the moment Alice, Mario and Dr. Wily (Courtney wasn't there) anger and confusion were replaced with howling laughter. They didn't stop for several minutes and Tosha stood politely waiting for them to finish.

"How do you plan on stopping our 'fun' as you call it?" inquired Wily.

"Oh, it's pretty simple. You should have seen it coming yourself uhh…damn what's your name again?"

"Dr. Wily."

"Yeah that's it! Anyway, you should have seen this coming…I mean it's not like you even invented this yourself right?"

Mario's eyes widened, "You didn't?!"

"Well…um…I…you see…"

Tosha smiled and pulled out a cube similar to the one Mario and the others had, "Nope…got the idea from 90 year old drunk outside Food Lion in Waverly Virginia_. _All he really did was figure out who had the fan fic authors power. "See, a while ago Gabe was paranoid this would happen some day since he was trapped in Waverly for a time and had a box too. so he gave this to me and told me to keep in case of an emergency. To the surprise of no on I'm pretty sure he forgot about the whole thing."

"So what do you plan to do?"

"Well…I plan to take the power back. Destroy your box and just to be sure, kill the old guy. Then, we're going to bring everyone back and destroy you. Finally, we're going to destroy the fan fic authors power forever. Any questions?"

"Um…nope."

"Good! Let's get started." Tosha held up the box whispered something under her breath but just as the power was leaving Alice had presence of mind with his power to destroy both boxes causing the power to simply disappear in moments before it was all consumed by Tosha's box. Granted, he could have done something like destroy only Sarah's box but his fear of death. 

"Ha!" Mario had jumped from his seat and was striding towards Tosha.. "You can't destroy us now OR bring back the others! You failed!" Mario was now racing with ideas as to how to make this little bitch pay.

"I kinda saw this coming," smiled Tosha walking backwards to avoid Mario laying her hands on her. "It's a good thing I was able to act fast enough to bring the guys back in the four or so seconds there was fan fic authors power in that box…oh and the old guys dead."

"You didn't bring them back!"

"Check."

"No." Mario folded his arms and very much resembled a young, spoiled child.

"Okay pudgy…have it your way."

"Wily check." Dr. Wily nodded and briskly walked over to the window peering out and seeing a very confused looking group of heroes. He gulped and felt the color draining out of him.

"Mario?"

"What?!"

"I-I'm afraid you need to take a look at this." Mario stormed over to the window and after shoving Wily aside looked out, straining his eyes. 

"Son of a bitch! How the hell did you do that so fa-" Mario turned around determined to get an explanation from this mystery girl who had in moments ruined his life but, saw that she was gone. "W-where the hell did she go?"

Alice shrugged, "Oh she left."

"And you didn't stop her?!"

"Why the hell should I? I'm on my way out. Have fun," Alice slowly pulled himself from his chair and walked towards the door with his cattle prod leaning on his shoulder.

"Get back here! you can't leave!"

"Watch me," moments later, Alice was out of view.

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" Mario created a fireball in his left hand and threw it at the wall burning it to ash in seconds.

**__**

Meanwhile…

"Who the hell are you?" asked Cid the first to notice her.

"Tosha?" Gabe couldn't believe she was here. "What are you doing here."

"Saving your ass's, remember the box you gave me."

Gabe was silent for a moment then his eyes widened in sudden recollection, "Oh yeah! Well thank god you're here!"

"Welcome."

"So, is Mario gone?" questioned Billy.

"No. Look, the ships are still up there."

"Which means…. We still have to take these bastards on."

"Should we head to the mansion and get them to come after us?" suggested Bruce.

"Sure…haven't done THAT yet," said Fei sarcastically.

"I got a call to make anyway," interjected Austin. "Might help us out."

"Fine. Let's go."

The mass of people slowly began to walk towards the mansion. One thing was on all their minds. It wasn't as if the thought was being transferred from person to person but it was a sinking feeling by all that the final battle was on the horizon. 

End.

Short huh? Barely checks it with 1000 words. Anyway, the next two will be huge compared to this one and fairly chaotic. They'll also be up very, very soon so keep an eye open and thanks for reading.


	8. Not a full scale war but an incredible s...

Final Fantasy 7-# 18

Final Fantasy 7-# 18

Not a real full scale war but an incredible simulation!

Part eight in the Nintendo Strikes Back saga

Written by Gabe Ricard

Disclaimer: I own nothing noteworthy…. So unless you're looking for a big pile of nothing, don't sue.

Coming into the home stretch now as there are, counting what you're reading at this moment three parts left in the Nintendo Strikes Back saga. So, sit back and enjoy part eight.

"Cloud…I really need to tell you something," even with all the chaos of the battle with Nintendo going on all around them, Aeris still had only one thing on her mind. She had thus far attempted to tell Cloud several times but now with only a couple people in his home office talking, she would finally tell him. 

Cloud looked up from his conversation with Fei and Bruce Willis and was about to tell his wife he'd be over there in a minute, but saw the severity on her face and knew he wouldn't get away with that. "Can you guys excuse me for a minute." Both nodded and stepped out of the office. 

Aeris waited until they where gone from view before she continued. "Cloud, I really-"

"Need to tell me something?" Cloud smiled and kissed his wife, "We established that. What's wrong?"

"Well…I went to the doctor and-" Yet again, Aeris's explanation was cut short with a tremendous explosion that caused Aeris to fall into Cloud's arms. 

"I can only imagine what that is," muttered Cloud.

Norm bolted into the room, "You guys! Those Nintendo guys are all attacking the city! They're everywhere."

"Wonderful. Bring everyone in here now." Norm nodded and ran off. Everyone was soon in Clouds office which in theory should have been a psychical impossibility.

"We need to break up into smaller groups because it sounds like they're spreading out all over New Nibelheim. Okay, Rico, Dante, Cid, Red and Emeralda you're one group. Billy, Jay, Silent Bob, Cait Sith and Norm you're the next. Bart, Citan, Gabe, Barret and Yuffie you're the next group. Group four will be Maria, Tifa, Chu-Chu, Vincent, and Randal and last it'll be me, Fei, Austin, Aeris, Gabe's weird friend, and Elly. Bruce you're on your own correct?"

"Yeah."

When we get out there just head in a direction. Okay? Good let's mosey."  


"God damn it!" cried Cid, "Say it like a man!" everyone turned and looked at Cid who apparently had gotten a new look. Instead of his pilots uniform he wore blue jeans, a black Dukes of Hazzard shirt and a leather jacket. His goggles remained where they always had been. 

"Haven't said that in awhile," murmured Cait.

"Fine…LET'S MOVE OUT. Happy Cid?"  


"Yep," the group filed out of the room and headed outside, spreading out over the city.

"Hey Stone Cold," asked Cloud as he walked alongside the others.

"Yeah?"

"What was that phone call?"

"I was gonna see if Vince could send some WWF guys to help us out."

"Can he?"

"Nah. Damn war with WCW."

Cloud was about to respond but stopped as what seemed to be 20 _Double Dragon III_ thugs and a two dozen ninjas Sagat seemed to stand as the leader of the group. "Ah…my first victims. How nice." He craned his neck to the ninjas and thugs, "Kill."

Austin threw himself onto the _DD III_ thugs while Fei went to work looking like a Bruce Lee clone dispatching several ninjas in seconds. Elly had drawn her gun and shot one in the face. Aeris stood back and created a barrage of fireballs mixed with lightning. Cloud saw his opening and went after Sagat. Tosha drew a shotgun not unlike the one Vincent carried and picked off two more ninjas Sagat threw an uppercut but Cloud avoided it and uppercut Cloud with his sword. Sagat hit the ground hard and looked up Cloud, he wiped a trickle of blood from his lower lip and smiled, "Not bad."

"Wish I could say the same for you. No wonder no one ever picks you in _Street Fighter_."

"I figured it's because no one wants to win," replied Sagat pulling himself to his feet.

"Oh…delusional too?" Cloud went straight for Sagat's scarred chest but Sagat kicked him back then grabbed his head and whipped him into the wall. In the moment Cloud was dazed, Sagat drove a knee into Fei's spine then clotheslined Stone Cold. Sagat saw that his army was down to only a couple, and reached over and wrapped his massive arm around Elly who was shooting at the last of the _DD III _thugs and pulled her back disappearing in a flash of light.

"Elly!" cried Fei throwing the last ninja aside and leaping into the light but catching only the ground. "That bastard!"

"We'll get her back," reassured Cloud. "They're looking for hostages." Cloud looked around his group was in shambles. Austin was holding his neck and Aeris and Tosha where battered and bruised.

**__**

Elsewhere…

"You know Rico," observed Cid walking alongside him and the rest of his group, "You are one ugly bastard." Rico scowled and said nothing. Everyone stopped as they saw Blanka, Sabin, Shadow, Cyan, and the Battletoads as well as several bosses from various Megaman games and King Hippo.

"This just screams 'we're fucked'" uttered Dante.

"I agree." Red was almost wishing he was back in the room of endless mirrors.

Blanka spotted them first and without a word spoken, the fight was on. Rico uppercut Blanka into a truck then speared him as he was getting up and began laying in the lefts and rights. Emeralda turned her arm into a sharp blade which sliced through two of the three Battletoads. She turned around only to have her legs frozen into the ground from Iceman then before she could react and escape from this with ease, Breakman, and Flashman blasted her at the same time and smiled as she fell to the ground and lay unmoving. Flashman and Breakmans victory was short lived as Cid came out of nowhere and drove his spear into the back of Flashman then brought it straight up, slicing him in half. Iceman reacted first and tried to freeze Cid into the ground. Cid saw it coming and jumped over throwing a grenade at Iceman sending him flying in various directions then landing on his feet and driving the Venus Gospel into Breakmans throat and pulled it violently to the right taking the head off. 

Cid smirked as he landed on his feet. Confident he still had it when Slash drove an elbow into the back of his head, then spun him around, and dropkicked him in the face. Cid made an attempt to get up but was kicked swiftly in the ribs. Cid coughed out some blood. He didn't believe he had ever been kicked in the ribs that hard in his entire life. He looked up to see another foot going for his face and moments later, everything went black. 

Rico recovered quickly from the stiff shot from Blanka and came back with a Flame Lariat. To his shock, Blanka shrugged the attack off like it was nothing. He was about to follow the attack up when Sabin who had just helped to finish off Cid, chopped him the throat then threw him towards Cyan who sliced his chest wide open with his sword. Rico roared and slumped down but as he did Blanka hit him with his big lightning attack and Rico fell to the ground. Emeralda had risen to her feet as had Cid. The both of them where incredibly dazed but managed to finish off Slash.

Red had Hippo dazed and decided to go for the kill, he went straight for the throat but didn't count on the massive boxer grabbing the back of Red's neck and smashing him into the pavement. Dante charged at him with a piece of plywood and resisting the temptation to laugh for several minutes and gave the clerk one mighty deck that floored him with ease. Hippo saw the bloody Cid and Emeralda fighting in vain against Blanka, Sabin, Cyan, and Shadow and decided it was time to go. "Hey! Grab Cat-Dog, the big guy and the little guy and lets get the hell out of here."

Blanka growled and grabbed Cid throwing him into a dumpster then watched as Sabin gave Emeralda a simple elbow shot in the jaw. He reached down and picked up Red while Blanka lifted up Rico and Shadow grabbed Dante. "Okay let's go." In a flash of light not unlike the one Sagat used they where gone. Cid pulled himself out of the Dumpster and helped Emeralda to her feet with no clue as to what his next move should be.

**__**

In another part of the city…

"Am I the only one who thinks this is total bullshit?" asked Bart cracking his whip along the legs of Yoshi and throwing him into the wall.

"No argument from me," replied Gabe going sword to sword with Link and losing badly. All it took was ten minutes of serious fighting with this gunblade and his arms were racked with pain. He glanced to his left and saw Yuffie throwing a series of ninja stars at Kirby who simply opened his mouth sucked them in. He then spat them out and before Yuffie could leap away Balrog and Jax appeared and held her long enough for each ninja star to pierce her flesh one of which found a comfortable home in her exposed thigh. Balrog sneered and gave her a quick left jab that ended Yuffie's pain, if only for a few moments. 

"DIE MOTHERFUCKERS!!" screamed Barret throwing himself into the small army of Pokemon and what seemed like four of every single Mario creature ever created. By Barret's estimation there were at least- well he couldn't count them all if he tried. All a different kind. It was at this point, Barret wished he had paid more attention to his daughters Pokemon obsession from the year before. Citan tried to cut his way into to help him but it was too late and Barret soon disappeared in the mass. Citan jumped back and was able to charge in and find Barret but did not get very far. He felt a tremendous shock through his body which heightened everything in him for a few seconds before it all went black.

Bart clotheslined Jax with his whip then wrapped it around his throat and kicked him forward, jerking the whip and breaking Jax's neck.

"Yer fuckin dead," growled Balrog charging at Bart and throwing a series of punches at Bart who dodged all of them, kicked Balrog in the jaw and finished him off with Angel.

"Seems like it's the other way around," grinned Bart. Bart didn't waste any time celebrating and went after Link who had Gabe laying against the wall unable to lift up his gunblade anymore. Suddenly Link disappeared and when Bart whirled around he saw that the others were gone as well. All that remained were the Nintendo guys who had fallen, Bart. Gabe and Citan.

Bart walked over to Gabe and helped him to his feet, "Why didn't they kill us all?"

"That's a pretty good question," replied Gabe. "Let's help up Shitan and see if we can find some of the others."

"Sounds good to me, Link sure kicked your ass."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

**__**

At the main Nintendo ship…that may coincidentally explain why Nintendo isn't killing everyone in one clean swoop…there IS a reason…I swear! Really! I'm not prolonging this series to waste time! No! Don't hit the back button! Noooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   


"Explain to me again why we aren't wiping them all out,"

Mario shrugged, "It's obvious we have things well in hand…it's just a matter of toying with them before we finish them off. Besides, I want to have a few of them frozen. We could use a few of them for experiments and what not. You worry too much Wily. We'll have them gone by tomorrow and then we can move on."

"If you say so."

**__**

Elsewhere on the Nintendo ship…

"You don't know?" hissed Princess Peach.

The toadstool nodded slowly, "No Princess. Though it should be no longer then a couple days. Apparently, Mario is savoring his impending victory."

"Which means, he could finish them off at any moment1 but instead will waste everyone's time. Fine let the bastard play his little games. I don't have anything better to do. Wait till he needs me then we'll see. We're out of vodka bring me some more."

"Yes Princess," muttered the toadstool scurrying off.

**__**

Back in the city…

"Why did I get stuck with the worst group?" wondered Billy spinning both his guns and firing for all he was worth at Samsus. She powered up her blaster and fired, Billy jumped behind a car and tried to pick off a few of the thirty-foot toadstool mechs but after getting only one the car was destroyed knocking Billy into a wall. Billy recovered quickly and continued firing at Samsus, Wario, and any of the other seemingly countless Nintendo goons that were here. He couldn't even see his teammates but hopped they were doing better than he was. 

"Where the hells did you get that?" exclaimed Jay seeing Silent Bob produce a light saber and slicing Diddy Kong who had been pummeling Cait Sith in two. Norm was being beaten up by Wario.

Billy fell to one knee as he felt blood pouring out of his left arm and knew he had broken a rib but gritted his teeth, and fired off several more rounds. These ones the most powerful bullets he had on him which sent Samsus falling to the ground and unmoving. Billy pulled himself to standing and took out two more of the toadstool mechs. He looked to his left and saw Jay and Silent Bob fall to Scorpion and Sub Zero who had come out of nowhere.

"Imma Wario IMMA gonna win!" Wario conjured up a black fireball and threw it at Norm. It would have hit its target had it not been for Cait Sith who absorbed the blast with a Fire 3. 

Wario's eyes nearly popped out of his head, "You can't do that!"

Cait Sith had been waiting for someone to say that one simple phrase for over four years. He raised his hands in a 'come on' fashion, "Well then, just bring I-ahhhhhhh!!!" Cait's long awaited catch phrase would be made to wait even longer as he was frozen solid by Sub Zero. The attack was nicely followed up with a soccer kick from Scorpion that shattered Cait into several million pieces.

"Good kick sweets," remarked Sub Zero nodding with obvious approval.

"Thanks…I gotta say though the way you froze this guy was pretty damn impressive. So, aren't we supposed to take some hostages?"

Sub Zero shrugged, "I think so…I think this whole operation is a sham though."

"Me too…I hope Sony takes us back if this whole thing falls through?"

"Are you kidding? People'll never get tired of Mortal Kombat. We're set for life." Scorpion ducked as Silent Bob flew fast over his head.

"Yeah…you're right as always honey. So, who should we take?"

"Let's take that cute little skinny stonner, the fat boy he hangs out with and…that's it."  


"You're the boss."

"At least until tonight."

"Got me there." Scorpion reached down and picked up Jay who's head had been shoved into the ground. Sub Zero saw Silent Bob trying to pick himself up and reached over and shot a ball of ice into his face. Once he was out, he reached down and picked him up.

"Shall we go?"

  
"Call everyone off first silly."

"Oh yes…" he raised his hand up and cried, "PULL BACK!"

"Huh?" Billy stopped firing at Samsus who had risen with revenge in her mind and looked to Scorpion and Sub Zero who disappeared suddenly and within seconds, everyone else followed leaving Billy, several melting ice chunks of Cait Sith and Norm.

**__**

Let's check in on the last group…

"They're not doing too well," muttered Bruce hiding behind a car and peering in on the attack. Chu-Chu had turned to mech and was battling several more toadstool mechs with giant (for them) arms. Randal and Maria were down and Vincent and Tifa where barely holding their own against Megaman X and Megaman, Donkey Kong, Ryu from _Ninja Gaiden _and countless others. Bruce had seen enough and leapt from the car opening fire on Donkey Kong and several ninjas. After a solid round, Donkey Kong was dead as was most of the ninjas. Bruce glanced to his left and saw Megaman coming at him and didn't react quickly enough as Megaman charged up and blasted Bruce through a building.

"Okay let's go!" barked Pacman not surprisingly Ryu picked up Maria and Baraka threw Randal over his shoulder. Everyone suddenly teleported away and the only Chu-Chu holding the head of one of the toadstool mechs, Tifa, Vincent and Bruce Willis who emerged from the building a few minutes later.

**__**

Forty minutes later on the main Nintendo ship…

"All the groups have checked in with hostages," reported Link walking into Mario's office.

"It took you long enough," Mario leaned forward in his seat with Dr. Wily standing at his side. "Let's wait a few minutes as I'm sure they'll gather then, we'll release all the troops at once and destroy them in one single shot and we'll be done here."

"And the hostages?"

Mario rolled his eyes and turned to Wily, "Didn't I go over this already?"

"Not with him."

He sighed, "We'll kill a few and freeze the rest. You never know when we may need them."

"Gotcha, we'll attack on your command," Link turned and walked out.

"Well it seems losing the fan fic authors power didn't make much of a difference did it?"

"No. I have to admit I'm surprised at how little a factor it ended up playing. Let's get ready to go watch the big fight. But before we go…Wily?"

"Yes?"

"Push the button."

"All right," Mario got up to leave and after Wily pushed the button he followed.

**__**

Outside the Mayors Mansion… 

"Seems like you guys didn't do too well either," remarked Cloud to Bart.

"Nope. Seems like a lot of us were taken." 

"What the hell do we do now?" asked Cid standing amongst all of the surviving heroes.

"NOW YOU CAN DIE!!!"

"Oh great…" exclaimed Fei as everyone looked ahead of them to see the entire assembled Nintendo army.

"Hey, I didn't know there was a giant screen with Mario's ugly face on it on the main Nintendo ship."  


"There wasn't Steve," replied Tifa.

"Now is the time when you all die. You've lasted a lot longer then I thought you would. But it seems your luck is up. Goodbye." The picture disappeared and the screen folded in two.

Link drew his sword and stood at the head of the head of the monstrous army. Because most of the buildings were destroyed there was more than enough room for the army to fill the city. "Bye bye."

"I think it's you who should be saying goodbye," came a sudden sharp voice. Everyone now looked to their left and saw several WWF wrestlers which included Triple H, Edge and Christian, Raven, Albert, Kane, Undertaker, The Big Show, The Hardy Boyz, Chris Beniot, Chris Jericho, the APA, Dudley Boyz and Spike Dudley. Triple H turned to Stone Cold, "Seems like we could spare a few minutes in between kicking WCW's sorry ass."

"You ain't the only ones!" came yet another sudden sharp voice.

"I'm getting really tired of having to turn my fucking head," muttered Gabe as looked to the right to see a group of WCW wrestlers that included Booker T, Sting, Chuck Palumbo, Buff Bagwell, Diamond Dallas Page, and about a dozen more.

"We ain't gonna let you WWF guys show us up in ANYTHING! And that includes full scale wars with video game icons!"

Link was at a loss for words but finally shook his head, "This doesn't mean a thing! WE'RE kicking YOUR ass's and that's all there is to it. LET'S GET EMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!"

Whatever was left of the city of New Nibelheim was quickly laid to waste in the massive battle royal that was going on. The addition of the WWF/WCW wrestlers allowed for the heroes to cut through most of- Nintendo's expendable fighters but at least two hundred still remained. "Man…" exclaimed Cloud ducking under a clothesline from Sagat and cutting his left arm off. "Chaotic doesn't even begin to describe it." He saw the arm less screaming Sagat and smiled, he had been wanting to get some revenge from his last fight and this was his chance. 

"You will pay!" roared Sagat feebly throwing a flaming uppercut which Cloud jumped away from and drove his blade into his shoulder slicing it straight up and taking the other arm with it. Cloud then kicked Sagat into one of the many fighting crowds and knew he was finished. Taking no time to rest, Cloud threw himself into a battle with a half dozen Megaman bosses.

Fei blocked the last kick from Sabin and floored him with a crippling roundhouse. "You'll pay for that!" he growled wiping the blood away from his upper lip. Fei powered up and went for the kill but felt another presence coming at him and turned to face it. He was a moment too late however as Cyan brought his sword down across Fei's chest drove his shoulder into Fei and spun him around to meet a left hook from Sabin which was followed by a uppercut roundhouse kick. Nearby the APA had taken Fox Mclouds head off with a double lariat after taking down his ship with a car. Billy looked through the crowd and saw Samsus blasting Chuck Palumbo into dust and wanted to send him (Author note: I am well aware it's a woman) away for good. Drawing his gun and taking down two giant goombas and putting two of his top bullets through Bald Bull's heart, Billy shot his way through the crowd and was able to sneak up on her and shoot him in the back of the head. Billy decided he would never get the kill with the armor and while he was dazed yanked his helmet off to see that he was a she (Authors note: see?!). Billy was stunned and was stunned long enough for Samsus to shoot him in the chest and uppercut him several feet away.

"I'm gonna kick your ass ONCE AND FOR ALL!" cried Gabe putting every last ounce of strength into charging at Link and throwing several attacks one of which sliced Link's shoulder wide open. Grimacing, Link charged up his sword and floored Gabe with it. As he tried to get up Blanka came at him and Gabe was able to react fast enough to slice his throat open then jump back and unleash his one special attack, which he would later dub Devine Sword. Once Blanka fell to the ground dead, Gabe resumed his battle with Link. A few feet away Tifa and Aeris were in a rare moment of unification as they stood near one another and kept what seemed like a never-ending horde of ninjas at bay. 

Stone Cold cracked a car door over the head of Ryu and was shocked when the ninja recovered quickly and dropkicked him. As Austin was getting up and Ryu was about to go for the kill with his ninja sword, Triple H threw the dead Mr. Sandman aside and spun Ryu around flooring him with an elbow smash. He then picking him and up and smashing his head into one of the few surviving buildings and back body dropped him into the main section of the battle.

The WCW wrestlers were not fairing as well. The only ones remaining where DDP, Sting and Booker T. Page was in the midst of a battle against several dozen really strange looking zombie soldiers careful to avoid Kane or Undertaker. Sting was simply taking names down with his bat and Booker T who was hoping to god he'd come up with some new catch phrases soon was fighting all the guys from _Contra_. He glanced out to his right and saw one of them aiming at him and grabbing the guy next to him threw him to the first guy and then finished him off with an ax kick.

"I can't believe it," lamented Cid pulling his spear out of Leonardo the last surviving Ninja Turtle. "I…saved Yuffie!"

Yuffie pulled herself up and kicked back an oncoming Giant Panther. Then grabbed his arm and twisted it violently to the right, breaking it. She then kneed him in the face and looked at Cid, "You…saved me."

"I did."

"Old bastard!"

"Thieving whore!" Cid noticed someone he had been meaning to kill and charged in glad things hadn't got too awkward. Vincent watched Cid dart past him and spun his new shotgun and picked off both the guys from _Bad Dudes_.

When another hour had passed it was obvious the Nintendo forces where being repelled. Link looked around and decided it was time for him to check in with Mario. He drove his sword into the heart of a charging Albert and using the _Star Trek_ like pin under his arm teleported away.

**__**

And on the main Nintendo ship…

"How does it look like we're doing?" asked Mario watching the battle with Wily.

"I dunno," he replied. "I guess we're doing all right."

"Mario! Mario!" Mario and Dr. Wily turned and saw Link run into the room, his eyes frantic.

"Yes Link? How are we doing?"

"Well…. We're being cut down somewhat."

"Well we knew there'd be a few weak links in the group. How many of us are left?"

"Um…about a hundred."

"A HUNDRED?! FROM 2000?!?!?!?!"

"Yeah."

"SON OF A BITCH!! WELL WHAT ABOUT THE GUYS WHO ARE STILL LEFT?! HOW ARE THEY DOING?"

"I give us another hour."

"ANOTHER HOUR!?! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

"So, should we retreat?"

"YES!! NOW!!"

"Gotcha. I'll go fire the retreat flares."

"GOOD! THANK YOU!" Link walked out quickly, wondering if Mario was upset with him.

"Remember what your doctor said about stress?"

"YES! BUT I LIKE YELLING!"  
  
"Anyway…we need to figure out a plan now. I recommend we get them to gather and take them out."

"WE DON'T LASERS STRONG ENOUGH TO KILL THEM ALL IN ONE CLEAN SWOOP SO WE PROBABLY WOULDN'T GET THEM ALL!"

"Well we have hostages…we could let them come to us. We can pick them off like flies then."

"FINE. DOESN'T SEEM LIKE WE HAVE A LOT OF OTHER OPTIONS DO WE?"

"No. It seems not."

"THEN LET'S GET READY. BUT BEFORE WE DO, WILY?"

"Yes?"

"PUSH THE BUTTON." Wily nodded and pushed the button as the two left.

**__**

Back on the ground…

"They're gone…" said Fei.

"We got screwed out of killing them AGAIN," cried Gabe.

"Seems like it," sighed Citan. "They also have several of our own hostage."

  
"They're expecting us to run in there," replied Cloud. "So we need to wait a few hours and attack out of nowhere."

  
"Sure. It's been a whole two hours since we last went into your mansion to plan something."

"I think they just keep using it as an excuse to show off their house," remarked Billy as everyone made their way to the mansion.

"Do we even have enough room for all the wrestlers?" asked Vincent.

"Sure…."

End.

This chapter sure sucked didn't it? Man I can't fucking write…I'm depressed now…the whole lot of you can just burn in hell.

Seriously, I didn't like the end result of this chapter much but oh well it's needed to continue the saga which now has but two parts left in it. Thanks for reading and let me know if you liked it.


	9. Come on, there's time for ANOTHER stared...

Final Fantasy 7-#19

Final Fantasy 7-#19

Come on, there's time for ANOTHER standstill. The final battles about to begin!

Part nine in the Nintendo Strikes Back saga

Written by Gabe Ricard

Disclaimer: With the exception of my indulgent, egotistical self-insertion character I own nothing so don't sue.

I'm afraid you're going to have to do without my little rant so sit back and enjoy.

"I say we attempt escape."

"Go for it Jay." Elly's tolerance of Jay having been forced to sit in a cell with him along with the other hostages for nearly six hours was beginning to deteriorate. It had in fact been almost wiped out well into the first five minutes.

"I would…b(sobs)ut uh…Silent Bob is scared and when the tubby bitch gets scared he starts sobbing like a little girl wit a skinned knee. And there's nothing worse then watching a fat man weep."  


"Uh huh."

"Do you think the others are gonna come for us?" asked Randal.

"Nahhhhh."

"Barret!" Maria scowled.

"JOKING. Geez. Sure, they'll come for us. I still can't believe how badly I got my ass kicked."

"I don't."

"Burn in hell Rico."

"Make me."

"You make me make you."

"Well, you make me make you make you."

"Oh yeah? Well you can make-"

  
"ENOUGH!" the cry of everyone else in the cell was enough to deter the two from their battle and both quickly fell silent.

"They better come up with a plan soon," remarked Yuffie who had several small cuts on her legs. She would have done away with them but amazing enough, she did not have a Cure Materia on her.

**__**

Back at the mansion…where the top minds of the good team are hard at work…

"I give up. They're dead."

"Cloud, please don't be so negative," scolded Aeris. "We'll get them."

"Does ANYONE have a better idea then to attack the ship head on?" asked Gabe aloud.

"Well," began Fei. "We could get them to send out all their guys and in the battle get maybe four or five of us up to their ship and not only get the hostages but maybe take out Mario himself."

"Sounds like a really crappy plan but okay."

"Can we come in?" came the whiny voice of Kurt Angle from outside the war room with the other wrestlers save for Stone Cold and Booker T. 

"No. There's no room."

"Awwww."

"What a whiner. So, do we just go out there and call them out?"

"Sounds good to me."

"I guess we should get out there then," Cloud and those who were lucky enough to get a seat got up and headed out with all the others to go after Nintendo for the last time.

"Cloud, wait!" Cloud stopped and tuned to face Aeris. 

"What?"

"You really need to know that I-"

"Come on man!" cried the new Cait Sith poking his head in the door.

Aeris threw her arms in the air, "Fuck it, let's go." She shook her head and ran out the door.

"What's with her? Cloud didn't put much more thought into it and ran out after them.

**__**

Outside…on the Nintendo Ship

"They're out there. Just like we said," Dr. Wily was strangely giddy with anticipation. He ran over to Mario who nodded and grinned evil like.

"Good. We're gonna go through with the plan of sending down everyone but…who did we agree on?"

"Link, Ninja Gaiden, Samsus, Pikachu, Simon Belmont, Megaman and Earthworm Jim."

"Right. They think they're pretty clever but when they send a couple of their best guys up here to get the hostages they're in for a huge surprise. He threw his head back and laughed. "At last we're going to finish them off and victory will be ours. Send down everyone else."

"Gotcha."

**__**

Outside…NOT on the Nintendo ship a few minutes later

"Gah! It's creepy the way they all appear at once," observed Cid shaking his head and drawing the Venus Gospel. The two groups stood staring one another down silence between them before Cloud got bored and charged in prompting the others to follow. Cloud put down Little Mac with a single attack then felt an overwhelming force drive into the back of his head. Cloud stumbled forward then spun around to see Sagat before him complete with two cybernetic replacements for his arms which Cloud had severed. "Like em?"

"No."  


"Good, then it'll be even more enjoyable when I use these to crush your skull!" Sagat charged at Cloud and threw a series of lets and rights which Cloud narrowly avoided and blocked with his sword. Cloud was so absorbed in dodging Sagat's imposing arms he wasn't prepared for the kick to his stomach. Cloud doubled over but still kept Sagat at bay with his sword.

Emeralda saw Edgar uppercuting Undertaker to the ground and felt the anger at what he had done to her explode. Creating a blade in her right hand, the young girl cut her way through the throng of fighters and caught Edgar just as he turned to face her. Slicing his chest open then attacking again and creating a slight cut on his forehead. Edgar tried to recover but was kicked in the crotch twice in the time it should have taken for a single kick. Edgar threw two blind punches but hit nothing but air. Emeralda tripped him and began kicking him with everything she had.

Vincent saw Albert being pummeled by Kano and pulled his shotgun out of Pac Mans head and fired at Kano several times. Unfortunately, Kano saw the shots coming and threw Albert in front of them. Vincent could do nothing but watch as Albert took the full brunt of the shotgun blasts and fell to the ground unmoving. "Bastard," Vincent concentrated all his energy into forming himself into Chaos and throwing Gut Man aside to grab Kano and shoot up above the battle. Chaos drove his fangs into Kano's neck as his hands clenched around his arms and ripped them both off just as he tore his neck open. Chaos let go of everything at once and let them fall back into the battle royal.

"Hey, I think I'm getting better at handing this thing," exclaimed Gabe who was looking for Link but had to settle for one of the Blues Brothers. He wasn't sure which one it was. But he was sure that this guy could punch really hard as evidence by the bruises forming on his neck and face. Nearby, Stone Cold and Bruce Willis were fighting side by side picking off whoever they came into contact with. Which included the knight from _Ghosts and Ghouls_, Wario and numerous others.

**__**

Back on the Nintendo ship…

"Well, it looks they're fighting down there," remarked Barret peering through the tiny window of their cell. 

"We need to get the hell out of here," said Dante. "But how? This cell's made of something we can't break through. We all tried. And the doors are some kind of electric barrier."

"Well, we could get Elly to do a fake seduction on the guard and get him to open the door while we all pretend to sleep."  


"The guard would have to be a moron of the worst kind to fall for that," shot down Red XIII.

**__**

Three minutes later…

"I can't believe you wanna do this!" giggled the ninja once he had turned off the electric door and made his way into the cell towards Elly.

"I can't uh…help myself. You're so…ummm."

"Sexy!" coughed Randal casually while still pretending to sleep.

"Sexy! You're so sexy."  


"Well, the last three times this happened to me the girl just wanted to escape!"

"Really? I don't believe that," Elly reached over and put an arm around the ninja.

"Well, you're lucky the smart guard's not on duty right now."

"I know," the moment Elly said this, Barret brought his gun arm down on the back of the ninja knocking him out cold. "All right let's go," everyone carefully walked out of the cell and left walking down the hall in single file. Red wondered how many more times he would have to do this over the course of the week.

**__**

Back on the battle field…

"Okay, let's get up there. Let's send myself, Fei, and Stone Cold up there," Cloud ducked under a ninja being thrown by Tifa and headed for the front of the battle grabbing Fei and Austin as he did. 

"How the hell are we gonna get up there?" asked Fei.

"I thought this out," replied Cloud producing a mastered Ice Materia and creating a makeshift ice ladder that stretched to the top Nintendo vessel. The three climbed up and once at the top found an opening and squeezed themselves inside.

"Wow…spacious."

End.

That does it for the pretty short part nine. I'm not sure how long the tenth and final chapter will be but you can be sure, it'll be a huge battle and there'll be a season finale style shocker at the end. Well, I hope anyway.


	10. No need for a conclusion!

Final Fantasy 7-#20

Final Fantasy 7-#20

No need for a conclusion!

The final chapter in the Nintendo Strikes Back saga 

Written by Gabe Ricard

Disclaimer: With the exception of my indulgent, egotistical self-insertion character I own nothing so don't sue.

Here it is at long last, the final chapter in the Nintendo Strikes Back saga. This is by far the longest thing I have ever written. I really enjoyed putting this entire little epic of mine out. When I wrote this four years ago this was my ultimate goal and I just wanted to thank those of you have stuck through this series from it's days of horrible, egotistical self indulgence to minor self indulgence. Sit back and enjoy the conclusion to the saga.

"Wow…spacious."

"You already said that Steve."

"Well…it is." The three found themselves looking up an imposing flight of metal stair that seemed to go up forever. Surrounding them was a massive boiler room. Cloud wondered if this boiler room made the ship really bottom-heavy. 

"So, where do you think these stairs go?" wondered Fei to no on in particular.

"Up."

"Ha, ha Cloud." 

"Let's go and be careful. God knows what could be at the top of these stairs." Stone Cold and Fei nodded and began walking up the stairs. Cloud was having flashbacks to a similar experience at Shinra a few years ago. The end of the stairs saw a large deck with a door that fit with the rest of the settings rather well. They opened the door and were greeted with a dozen ninjas that looked as if they had been pumped with several thousand steroids.

"We been waiting for you," growled the ninja at the front of the group. His eyes squinted to give the impression he and the others meant business.

"You have?"

"Oh come on. You knew it was a crappy plan as soon as we got here. Let's just kick their asses and get on."

"Fine with me," Fei threw himself onto the front ninja and started laying in the lefts and rights, overcoming him quickly and smashing his head into a wall. Fei turned around and threw a left at another. By now Steve Austin and Cloud threw themselves into the fight and were tearing apart the thugs at record pace. Within minutes, they were all finished and the three heroes moved on. Cloud was about to reach over and open the door at the end of the hallway but was stopped by Austin.

"Lemme handle that." The Texas Rattlesnake stood back and kicked the door twice as it didn't budge. "Son of a bitch."

Fei rolled his eyes, "I'll do it." Fei seemed to lose himself in concentration for a moment before standing back and in a single kick crushing the door in two. Cloud whistled impressively and walked through.

"I softened it up for you," muttered Steve looking down.

"Sure," Fei chuckled and followed.

"Hey, this rooms all dark." Cloud felt around the wall to see if he could find the switch but was unable. The lights burst on and in front of them stood another dozen ninjas. One of them appearing to be eight feet tall and weigh several hundred pouds.

"What is this? The obstacle course from hell?"

"Sure feels like it."

**__**

And on the battlefield below…

"WHERE ARE YOU CLOUD!?" Sagat gave crushing jab Matt Hardy's throat then pressed him and threw him into a truck before returning to his search for a man he wanted to extract revenge on. He saw Jeff Hardy coming at him and clotheslined him nearly taking his head off. Farther to the left, Tifa was leaning against a car holding her ribs and breathing heavy. Her entire body felt drained and she didn't think she could move another inch. It didn't really seem to matter as Sabin was closing in on her with his chain saw. 

"This looks like the end," Tifa thought clenching her teeth. Suddenly Edgar burst into flames and fell to the ground screaming. Tifa saw that standing near him was Aeris who looked better then anyone else Tifa had seen in the battle. 

"You owe me so badly," smirked Aeris.

"Bah. Cure me and we'll see." Aeris nodded and cast Pulse of Life restoring Tifa's strength. She had wanted to cast Great Gospel at several points in the battle but knew she would catch some of the Nintendo fighters as she did so decided it was useless. She continued to cast it on herself while she moved through the battle and healed anyone who was badly injured and still alive. She didn't know if any member of Avalanche had a Phoenix Down on them so she was only able to heal those who were still alive.

"Now you owe me."

"Whatever. Thanks," Tifa put her hands into battle stance and charged back into the battle flooring an upright Yoshi who had been trying to stuff Yuffie down his throat with a roundhouse kick. Cait Sith was handling Banjo and Kazooie with ease but an interception from Triple H who broke off Kazooie's beak and cut open Banjo's skull with it. Hunter wound back and fired in some lefts and rights then kicked him back to Cait who clawed his eyes out and jumped back onto the moggle. Seconds later he was attacked by a beakless, bleeding Kazooie who he quickly overcame by wrapping a dice shaped grenade around him and throwing him away. Triple H snapped Banjo's neck then tossed him aside and noticed Sagat and zeroed in. 

"I really don't belong here," grumbled Tosha hitting Celes in the back of the head with a baseball bat. Over to her left, Bruce Willis and Billy were standing back to back shooting anything that even looked as if it belonged to Nintendo.

Gabe pulled the gunblade out of E Honda's heart and feeling extremely pleased with himself looked for someone else. Seeing Turok Gabe attempted to sneak up on him from behind but sensing him with ease, Turok spun around and drove a hunting knife into his shoulder then kicked him to the ground. Turok readied his bow but before he could fire, Undertaker nailed him with a running big foot and proceeded to pick him up and give him a Last Ride several hundred feet into the ground. Taker reached down and helped Gabe to his feet. "Thanks."

"Don't mention it."

**__**

Back on Nintendo's ship… 

"Hey!" exclaimed Link. "What the fuck are they doing out of the cell?" all of Mario's chosen few to stay aboard the ship jumped to attention at the site of Barret, Elly and the others who stopped dead in their tracks.

"TOLD YOU we should have taken a left," growled Barret to Rico.

"Oh shut up."

"Mario's not going to like this," warned Samsus.

"Well we don't have time to go tell him! Let's just take these guys out and get ready for the others." Link drew his sword and ran towards Rico who punched Link in the jaw and sent him flying back, finally prompting everyone else to break out in battle.

"Well I guess that does it for the hostages," Cloud remarked.

"Seems like it. Should we help them?"

"I guess so," Cloud charged at Samsus who had blasted Elly into the wall and drove the sword into her back. Stone Cold ducked Simon Belmont and gave him a resounding stunner causing him to fly back into a Big Shot from Barret. 

Link watched the battle going on and knew they were finished. Wiping the blood from his lip, Link slipped behind the door and headed for Mario's office.

**__**

Checking in on the battle field…

Bart shot his whip out and snapped Megaman X in the face. X snarled and aimed his blaster to fire back but in a flash of light, his gun arm fell to the ground. "What the-?!" he turned around to see Citan holding his sword across from his face. Before X could say something witty Citan leaped into the air and drove the sword into Megaman X's chest in a single stabbing motion the sword poking out through X's spine. X pushed himself off the sword and turned to retreat only to get finished off with a Dragon Dive from Cid. Who immediately went back into the main area of battle? Nintendo's numbers were now down to about 30.

**__**

Mario's office…

"You're full of shit."

"No, YOU'RE full of shit."

"Neil Young did not co-write Streets of Philadelphia with Bruce Springsteen!"

"He did too!" snapped Dr. Wily. "He put together the soundtrack and helped Bruce write the song for it! I saw it on VH1."

"Whatever," Mario the second Link burst into the office scaring the hell out of Mario and Wily. "T-the hostages escaped! And the guys below are dropping like flies!"

  
"Do we have anyone left?!"

"The… uh… personal on all the ships."

"Good! send them into battle."

"Are you sure you want-"

"NOW!"

**__**

Three minutes later…

"Well?"

"The personal are dead. And we now have no one to fly the ships."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! THIS IS A NIGHTMARE!!"

"Can't we fly the ship?" inquired Dr. Wily.

"No…we…um…cut the budget for training all the employees. We just killed everyone that could potentially fly any of these three ships."

"Wonderful," he turned to Dr. Wily. "Head to the engine room and program the thirty minute detination for all three ships. It's time to cut our losses."

"What about the others below?"

"Fuck them. We need to worry about ourselves. Let's head out of here."

"Should one of us get your wife on the way?"

"She's smart enough to figure it out. Let's go!"

**__**

Elsewhere on the ship… 

The moment Rico was shot in the face and chest by Megaman and Samsus. The lights went out and were replaced with a mixture of darkness and a flashing red light. An annoying beeping sound added to the atmosphere.

****

This ship will self-destruct in thirty minutes

"Well this brings the day down," Simon shook his head as he tried to tighten his whip around Clouds neck.

"Pika! Pika!"

"Damn right. Let's kill these guys and get out of he-omf!" Simon was cut short as Red drove his head into his stomach. Then used his back legs to push himself up and kick Simon in the face.

"Things are not looking good," thought Megaman who sprung a quick makeshift plan in his mind and shot four smoke bombs onto the ground, creating a cloud of smoke that made it impossible to see anything other then shadows.

"There he goes," Cloud ran after the shadow he believed to be Megaman and found himself running down a smoke free hallway. He did not see Megaman but heard something from the door nearby and with hand clenched tightly on his sword swung the door open and with all the caution he could muster, walked through the door.

"Shit!" Mario stopped dead in his tracks and stared open-mouthed at Cloud.

"So you're Mario? Damn you're pudgy."

"At least I don't look like I'm auditioning for Dragonball Z!"

"YOU TAKE THAT BACK!"

"Never!"

"TAKE IT BACK!"

Mario created a large, ominous fireball in his right hand, "Make me."

"Arghhhh!!!!" Cloud raised his gunblade high and swung with evil intentions at Mario who jumped out of the way and threw the fireball he had conjured moments ago. Cloud jumped back to avoid it but fell against the wall. Mario seized the advantage and propelled himself like a cannonball into Cloud's chest. For added punishment as Mario sprang to normal standing he gave Cloud a quick 1-2 punch combo and landed a few feet in front of him. Not even taking time to see if Mario had drawn blood with his vicious punches, Cloud gritted his teeth and went for the kill a second time.

**__**

Had enough of these?

"The smokes starting to clear," said Randal trying to clear the last remnants away with his hat then putting it back once people could see him so no one would ever see him without it on. 

"Hey! All the Nintendo guys are gone and so is Jay, Silent Bob, Cloud and Yuffie."

"Great," replied Dante dripping with sarcasm. "So we got about twenty five-"

****

Twenty three minutes until self destruction

Dante rolled his eyes, "Twenty three minutes until this ship explodes so should we get off of here or should we hunt down the other Nintendo guys."

  
"Let's try and get off this ship and if you see any Nintendo guys kick their asses. Agreed?" Barret crossed his arms.

"Agreed."

"Good. Let's go."

**__**

Too bad if you've had enough of these! It's an easy answer for a lazy writer!

"Tell me I'm a genius Silent Bob. Tell me." Silent Bob lit his 45th cigarette of the day and nodded. "We're gonna find some rooms to loot and then we're gonna paid and laid," he chuckled. "Let's check this room out," Jay swung the door open and leapt in with Silent Bob. "Snootch to the-holy shit Silent Bob! Check it out!"

"AHHHHH WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?! GET THE FUCK OUT!!" Princess Peach made some semblance to cover up her complete nudity but being surprisingly busty and full figured didn't do a very good job.

"See Silent Bob? The bitches KNOW I'm here without even seeing me and get ready."

"DIE!!" Princess aimed her left hand at the stoners and shot a blast of energy at them. Jay would have been disintegrated instantly had Silent Bob not grabbed his shoulder and yanked him out of harms way. "You little bastards are gonna pay!" Peach raised her hand and caused the TV to levitate and threw it at Jay and Silent Bob who avoided that as well. Jay by now was completely lost staring at the Princess and would have been finished off by the ice ball Peach was conjuring if Silent Bob hadn't broke a chair over her head.

"Woah. Thanks tons of fun. So what're we gonna do with her?"

**__**

A few minutes pass…

"You little fucking stoners!" cried Peach trying to free herself from the ropes Jay and Silent had tied her up with. "When I get out of here, I'm going to cut your balls off and feed them to you ONE AT A FUCKING TIME!" Princess continued to struggle while muttering swear words and threats under her breath.

"Anything else?" asked Jay. Silent Bob grabbed a pillowcase from the bed and walked over to the Princess stuffing the sheet in her mouth. "Perfect. And check this out, there's like 40 bazillion bucks here!" Jay walked over to the table and snatched as much of the cash as he could stuffing it in his pocket and walking out with Silent Bob. When they came out they were met by Yuffie.

"There's money in there. You can have the rest."

"Really! Sweet!"

**__**

Elsewhere…

"Wow," thought Barret. "This is one hell of a kitchen. Its true we only got a few minutes before we all die but dammit I'm gonna get me a Pop Tart."

"Pika! Pika!"

"AHHHHHHH! What the hell?!" Barret spun around to see Pikachu sitting on the table tearing into what appeared to be the last box of Pop Tarts. "You little shit!"

  
"Piiiiiiiiika! Piiiiiiiiiiiiiika!" Pikachu appeared to be on the verge of powering up but before he could, Barret grabbed him and threw him in the microwave hitting the ON button and standing back as Pikachu exploded and filled the microwave with blood, guts and little yellow chunks of skin. Annoyed at being denied a Pop Tart, Barret walked out to continue his search for a way out. He then ran into Stone Cold, Red XIII and the rest of the group save for Cloud.

**__**

Meanwhile…

****

Fifteen minutes until self-destruction

Link weighed the options in his mind and decided he must tie up one loose end before he left this doomed ship. Taking out his teleporter, Link waited until he spotted Gabe down below and teleported himself down, grabbing Gabe and then teleporting away just as quickly.

"What the hell?" once on the ship, Gabe shoved Link aside and aimed his gunblade at him. "What am I doing on this ship?"

"You're going to die. I never leave business like this unfinished. Never."

"Oh yeah?

"Yeah!"

"I…. Don't have a clever comeback."

  
"Damn. Really?"

"No…I'm not good at that."

"Well, what I always do is-" Link paused then snapped into a fury. "What the fuck am I saying?! Dieeeeeeee!" Link drew his sword and charged at Gabe throwing everything he could at him and winning. Gabe as always was barely was able to keep up. He had grown more use to using the hefty gunblade and therefore was able to put up a slightly better fight. Link however knew, Gabe wouldn't keep up for more then a few minutes. Link eventually knocked the gunblade out of his hand and had him at the end of the ship on the very edge. Link sneered as he held his sword a mere inch from Gabe's throat.

"This is kinda sad if this is one of your only ambitions…. To kill people that had even one conflict with you."

"Hey you had a couple."

"But it's not like I'm a worthy opponent."

"True…but you still have to die." Link drew back his weapon and was about to bring it down on Gabe when suddenly, the ground beneath him seemed to "spring open" causing Link to fly over head and disappear under the ship. Gabe looked to the spot were Link had been propelled and saw that it was Barret. "Gabe! What the hell you doin up here?"

"Umm."

"Doesn't matter," Barret opened the door all the way and squeezed out along with the others with the exception of not surprisingly Cloud. "Here," Barret threw Gabe a parachute. "We found a shit load of these and brought some extras. Though we gotta leave the rest here for Cloud or any of the others that ain't here."

"So we just go?"

"Yeah. Come on." Gabe nodded and dove off the ship with the others. Dante and Randal were the only ones who did not jump.

"Are you sure we wanna do this?" inquired Dante.

"Sure. This is just like that time I accidentally set you on fire and had to throw several boxes of baking soda at you."

"No it's not."

"Well I-" he shoved Dante over. "Whoops."  


"IIIIIIIIIIIII'LLLLLLL GEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTT YOUUUUUUUU RANNNNNDDDDDDDDDDAAAAALLLLLLLLLL."

"That's not the last time I'll here THAT," muttered Randal jumping after him.

**__**

Checking in on Cloud and Mario…

Mario threw a razor edged leaf at Cloud who sliced it in half with his sword and came back with an attack of his own cutting Mario's shoulder wide open.

Five minutes until self-destruction

"Hear that?" smirked Mario. "That means this ship goes boom in five more minutes. Think you can finish me off before then?"

"I know I can."

"Good then prepare to die!!" Mario created two knives that looked like a mixture of pure energy and fire and hurled them at Cloud. He attempted to dive away but found they followed his attempt to dodge and felt one pierce into his shoulder and the other into the middle of his back. All the pain went into sharp focus for a single second and it was so overwhelming Cloud almost passed out right there. What kept him from fading out completely was a resounding right jab from Mario. Cloud backhanded him against the wall and tried to slice him in half with a simple braver but Mario avoided it with ease and threw a DBZ style fireball which Cloud narrowly avoided with an Fire 3. Cloud tried to block out the pain that was wracking his entire body and ran at Mario faking him out once then driving a knee into his rotund midsection and trying to slice his face open only to get a double uppercut.

****

Three minutes until self-destruction 

Cloud spat the blood filling the inside of his mouth and charged again trying to take Mario's legs off then jumping to the side allowing Mario to miss his drop-kick and also allowing Cloud to do a full 360 and slice Mario's head off. Cloud landed on his feet and watched as the head bounced off the wall only to be caught by Mario who reattached it and turned to face his opponent. "I hope that's not all you got."

"Oh poopie."

"Now you die!" Mario drove his hands into the ground and watched as millions of little pieces of energy flew up from the ground but Cloud jumped out of the way of all of them and backhanded Mario with his sword. The two continued to trade attacks and moves until.

Ten seconds until self-destruction…

"Looks like we die together," cackled Mario shaking the cobwebs out of his head. The moment he said this, the entire room rocked with an explosion then another and several smaller ones after that. The walls collapsed and fire could be seen everywhere. Cloud knocked Mario aside and made a move to escape running through what used to be the door and jumping straight up slicing through every remaining ceiling he came into contact with and winding up on the top of the ship. Cloud was nearly rocked off the ship with another explosion and saw a parachute grabbing it and slinging it over his shoulder to jump off when he felt a foot crack his spine. Cloud spun around to meet a punch from Mario. "There's no fucking way you're getting off this ship!" screamed Mario going for another punch this one in the form of yet another fireball. 

Cloud felt all the rage of having his entire week screwed up and summoning every last ounce of energy growled, "This ends here you pudgy meatball sucking bastard…. CLIMHAZZARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Mario in his weakened state could do little more then take the entire attack and when it was done, the bloody Mario stumbled back and fell screaming through the hole Cloud had created earlier. "Rest in hell," Cloud murmured jumping off the ship with his parachute just as the last standable ground of the ship burst into explosion 

**__**

Back on the ground…

"Well that's the last of them," Bruce Willis kicked the dead body of aside and leaned on the bazooka he had been using in the closing moments of the war.

"God damn…look at those ships explode," Barret remarked looking to the sky.

  
"An impressive site indeed," agreed Vincent.

"What about Cloud?" asked Aeris.

"There he is!" said Yuffie pointing to Cloud who was quickly descending to the sky along with several chunks of Nintendo ships. They all surrounded Cloud once he landed."

"Are you okay?" asked Aeris.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine."

"What about Mario?"

"He's dead. They all a-"  


"RUN!!!" screamed Gabe as a huge piece of flaming metal came towards them. Everyone moved closer towards the mansion were the main parts of the ships slowly began to fall outside New Nibelheim.

"Anyway, they're all dead as far as I can tell."

"Hey what the hells that?" asked Tosha pointing to the sky.

"It looks like a space ship…does that mean?"

"Someone survived?!"

"And they're probably headed towards Nintendo Towers which means they can just rebuild and attack again!"

"Not quite!" came a rather cartoonish sounding voice. Everyone turned to see none other then Crash Bandicoot come towards them smiling from ear to ear.

"Wow!" exclaimed Cait Sith. "It's Playstation legend Crash Bandicoot!"

"Yep! That's me. We heard about this Nintendo thing and sent several missles to their tower. So, you should have no problems from here! no need to thank us."

"We wont," said Cloud. "Just one little question."

  
"Shoot."

"WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU GUYS WHEN THIS WHOLE THING STARTED?!?!?!"

"Well…there was this party and well…we had a lot going. Sorry."

"That's okay. Can we ask you one more thing?" asked Cloud slowly cornering Crash along with the others.

"Y-yeah?"

**__**

Two hours later…

"More Bandicoot anyone?" asked Stone Cold standing up with a knife.

"Gimme a few more pieces down this way," replied Bart holding up his plate.

"Man this guy tastes good," said Norm.

"Like chicken," agreed Randal.

"I feel REALLY guilty about this," said Cait Sith taking a small bite.

"Bah, he had it coming," dismissed Cloud.

"So, what're your plans to rebuild the city?" asked Fei. "I mean, most of the buildings were destroyed."

"Yeah I know. We'll get on that tomorrow."

"I have some ideas," offered Aeris.

"That's great honey. Let's hear it."  


"Well, we could get other towns to pitch in, we could hack into Shinra's bank account, we could sell Tifa, I'm pregnant, we could sell some Materia. You know things like that."

  
"All very good ideas," agreed Cloud taking another bite of Crash. Suddenly he choked and his eyes burst open. "YOU'RE PREGNANT?!"

"Ohhhh boy," remarked Cid.

End.

First off, I am a huge fan of Crash Bandicoot. The only reason I used him was he was the only edible PSX mascot I could think of. Anyway, I hope you've enjoyed this ten-part saga. There's gonna be a few one story episodes including two special stories one being a parody of all those behind the scenes show and the other a sort of parody of Mary Sue fics like this one here/before the next big story arc comes into play. I have a ton of other projects in the works so keep and eye open. As always, thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed this. If not, then burn in hell because this was a lot of work.


End file.
